Student Finds Russian Collusion in University of Washington College Republican Club

February 18, 2018

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

News hit this week when a former member of the UW College Republicans found some document labeled “TOP SECRET” in the desk of the club’s Vice President. In the wake of their controversial rally held for Patriot’s Prayer last week there had been reason for celebration among these politically active students. Members laughed and joked around, nearly choking on their mayonnaise sandwiches (the club’s staple snack). Derek, a sophomore, reminisced about their successful display of power on that rare sunny Saturday.

 

 

Highlights of the political discourse stuck in his mind, Derek recounted his friend Mike Hawk brilliantly using the methods of Socrates and Aristotle against their counterparts. Such rebuttles as “go back to where you came from!” and “stay triggered libtard baby!” struck down any validity that his victim, Thomas Wright, US Army Veteran of two tours, could have brought to the argument from the otherside of the barrier. Congratulating his friend, Derek said “you were a total Chad to those cucks,” before scarfing down another square cut mayonnaise sandwich.

 

The jovial atmosphere of the room would turn sour later when Derek grabbed his Patagonia quarter zip and prepared to leave.

 

Just before leaving and locking up for the night, Derek noticed a strange folder peering from the top of the Vice President’s desk drawer. “Freedom of the press right?” Derek said just before grabbing the classified document and flipping through the contents.

 

The documents outlined the planning and execution of mission titled Creation of Underlying Noxious Tensions. Details included the infiltration of the Republican club with foreign Russian agents with the intent of heightening conflict between conservatives and liberals on campus. The purpose of such actions was erased from the file but we can only ponder that Russia, being the bad guys, would mean that they are using this club to reduce political understanding and discourse to primal chants and beating chests.

 

“How could this happen?”, thought the young patriot, “Who do I tell? Who can I trust?”

 

Suddenly the clues became clear. As it turns out, many of his fellow members of the College Republicans did seem a tad off.

 

For example, Ivan Kalashnikov recently won his seat as Vice President of the club but upon further inspection, one realizes that he in fact is not fluent in the English language at all. During the election, after flicking through videos of the speeches and debates, Derek noticed that Ivan really only could say two words.

 

When asked about what he could bring to the position of Vice President, with the two words he could muster, he exclaimed in a thick Russian accent, “FAKE NEWS!”

 

He won the election by unanimous vote.

 

After this Earth shattering discovery, Derek went into hiding, knowing that exposing an international corruption rink could put a target on his head.

 

Derek plans to collaborate with Off Leash in revealing more details of the scandal in the upcoming weeks, while currently fearing for his safety.

 

Stay safe Derek.

 

Stay tuned...

 

 

 

Please reload

Our Recent Posts

Sneak Peak at Winter 2020’s Hottest Course: COM 263, Intro to Cancel Culture

November 4, 2019

8 Fall Activities That Distract You From The Fact You Have Nobody To Do Them With

October 22, 2019

Op-Ed: They’re Building an Apartment Complex Inside Me

October 17, 2019

1/1
Please reload

  • White Instagram Icon

©2018 by Off Leash News