In Effort to Meet Student Demands, HUB Unveils New Coffee Enemas

February 17, 2018


The new product means great news for coffee lovers everywhere, as the coffee enemas are said to work better with those on a college budget, with only college time. “Twelve ounces in your butt, is like sixteen normally” says one biology student, wincing in discomfort as he takes his seat.


The decision to cut costs and put coffee directly into the anus comes as a result of a growing student need for more coffee all the time. The average 12 ounce cup of coffee takes around 5 minutes to consume, whereas a 12 ounce enema can be completed in 20 seconds, 10 seconds if you bite down on something really hard.   


“It really shows how much the University cares about us students”, said sophomore Derek, “I only need to come to the HUB for coffee three times a day now”. Derek went on to comment that the increase in the amount of blood in his stool every night was, “nothing he didn’t expect about going to UW”.


Initial concerns on the reusable design’s health implications were met with coffee being turned even hotter, with the new boiling temperatures too hot to sustain any kinds of bacteria. Such a revolutionary development means students can expect not just higher energy, but better digestive health.


The University of Washington has once again shown itself a center of innovation and positivity.


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