We’re Upper Middle: A Success Story

February 18, 2018


Deep in the hallowed halls of “up-and-coming fraternity”, the whole executive board was silent. A lightly trembling hand reached toward the laptop touchpad. No one needs to speak; they all know the gravity of the situation.


What more could they have done? Brother Max’s groundbreaking concept of putting their Greek letters on the quarter zip sweatshirt whilst modeling the Patagonia logo shattered the expectations of both fraternity men and sorority women with the ability to seamlessly combine their love for outdorsie apparel with the name of their fraternity. What other house would have the audacity to host five other fraternities, a pentad if you will, to take advantage of this massive influx of exposure to build their name. Sure the other houses have not yet reciprocated the invitation, but they all paid and our heros damn-near broke even on the event.


The intense silence only broken by the occasional crackle of a Juul and the nervous tapping of keys as brother Daniel enters the url, quivering with anticipation----Greekrank.com----.


Brother Daniel’s eyes widened, his mouth ajar in perpetual disbelief. The other young men were pestering him with inquiry. “What happened?!” “What does it say?!” “Did we do it?!”


With only the slightest voice crack came a victory cry that would be echoed throughout their halls for weeks to come, “We’re upper middle!”


Crazed celebrations ensued. Juul crackles, brotherly fist bumps, and respectable 3 minute Natty Light shotgunnings all reflected the grandeur of the news. No more would their freshman bow their backwards-hatted heads in the company of top tiers. No more would they be shooting their shot with their socially equivalent sorority. No more would their greek week party be the third most lit party from 9:30 pm to 12:00 am.


They had done it. Those goddamn animals.


As the holler and cheers died down, the boys sighed in relief. One rather discernible brother quietly leaned over to brother Daniel, who was still gawking at his laptop screen, and whispered something in his brother’s ear. Around the room the same whisper grew and spread like a virus destroying hope in all that it touches.


Someone looked over brother Daniel’s shoulder. There they were, the comments. What happened next changed the course of this seamingly fruitful Wednesday night and would remain in the back depths of each brother’s psyche for the rest of the year.


First there were the deniers, claiming the ranking false and possibly constructed by a member of the fraternity itself. Then the jokes, opting to label the post as satire so unbelievably inaccurate that surely it was made for cheap enjoyment  by another house at the expense of our heros. The remainder of the comments were sorority members chastising this house, calling them “social climbers” and stating their disapproval of the perceived shallowness that was rampant among the members. But how could they know, how could they understand, for they were middle tier sororities. A lion does not concern itself with the opinions of the sheep.


The president noticed the palpable change in countenance of his fellow brothers and took a stand. With a small burp proceeding a great bellow he exclaimed, “They are jealous! You all saw yourself, it’s official, WE’RE UPPER MIDDLE”.  


That was enough to satiate the crowd for now and a unanimous chant began once again

“We’re upper middle!”

“We’re upper middle!”

“We’re upper middle!”


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