University Announces Nine New Construction Projects

February 22, 2018

 

Set to open by 2079, UW has announced the undertaking of nine new construction projects across campus. Projects range from new high-tech, personless dorms to new wider, fancier sidewalks.

 

No matter the project, students can look forward to massive new amounts of fencing, scaffolding, detour routes, forty year old men, loud noises, and most importantly, fourteen state-of-the-art giant cranes.

 

An official statement by the contractors hired to oversee the projects reads, “Build. I like to build, build big stuff”.

 

Plans for even more modern halls continue to amaze. One new hall is rumored to be powered entirely through an upside down garden in the basement, that doubles as a coffee shop/endangered animal petting zoo. With such projects the UW administration has been issuing reminders for students to maintain good nutritional diets, proper exercise routines, avoidance of direct sunlight, and many other important tips. They believe if that students stay committed to such healthy habits they will most likely live long enough to enjoy the many amenities these projects have to offer.

 

Such projects should generate more out-of-state interest, and thus more out-of-state tuitions. The influx of this cash is rumored to be planned to fund the next wave of construction plans, set to open by 2091.

 

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