University Announces Nine New Construction Projects

February 22, 2018


Set to open by 2079, UW has announced the undertaking of nine new construction projects across campus. Projects range from new high-tech, personless dorms to new wider, fancier sidewalks.


No matter the project, students can look forward to massive new amounts of fencing, scaffolding, detour routes, forty year old men, loud noises, and most importantly, fourteen state-of-the-art giant cranes.


An official statement by the contractors hired to oversee the projects reads, “Build. I like to build, build big stuff”.


Plans for even more modern halls continue to amaze. One new hall is rumored to be powered entirely through an upside down garden in the basement, that doubles as a coffee shop/endangered animal petting zoo. With such projects the UW administration has been issuing reminders for students to maintain good nutritional diets, proper exercise routines, avoidance of direct sunlight, and many other important tips. They believe if that students stay committed to such healthy habits they will most likely live long enough to enjoy the many amenities these projects have to offer.


Such projects should generate more out-of-state interest, and thus more out-of-state tuitions. The influx of this cash is rumored to be planned to fund the next wave of construction plans, set to open by 2091.


Please reload

Our Recent Posts

Sneak Peak at Winter 2020’s Hottest Course: COM 263, Intro to Cancel Culture

November 4, 2019

8 Fall Activities That Distract You From The Fact You Have Nobody To Do Them With

October 22, 2019

Op-Ed: They’re Building an Apartment Complex Inside Me

October 17, 2019

Please reload

  • White Instagram Icon

©2018 by Off Leash News