College of the Environment Sees Record Dropouts Following February Snow

February 25, 2018

 

“Environmental Science majors have been dropping like flies”, says one advisor, “we’re scrambling to find them all new fields of study”.

 

This mass exodus from the College of the Environment can be directly attributed to the recent days of snow, in late February. To get to the bottom of this we assembled a panel of former environmental majors.

 

“Global warming, more like global cooling”, announced one to much laughter and applause by the others. We asked the distraught students to expand upon that point. “Yeah my entire major is built upon lies, it’s like… snowing… in like, February”, one said staring forlornly into the group’s fire and solemnly tossing more coal into it.

 

It should come as no surprise that these students are suffering from major identity crises. “All that time I spent worried about polar bears”, one said clenching her fists, “with all this snow they’re probably laughing their furry, white asses off”.

 

The students have had to seek new careers and passions, many switching to such options as: professional skiing/snowboarding, snow-plowing, insulation-design, or simply “migrating south”.

 

In related news, the College Republicans have seen record new memberships.

 

 

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