Drumheller Geese Commit Nonverbal Microaggressions

February 28, 2018



Pressure in recent weeks has been put on University of Washington staff to address the multitude of complaints about the geese surrounding the Drumheller fountain. Many of these concerns center around allegations that the geese have been committing “nonverbal microaggressions”. For some time now, the long-necked birds have claimed the fountain and surrounding grasslands as their own, building a community of passive aggressive poultry that have been victimizing students on their walks to and from class.


“It’s unbearable. I just want to get to chemistry lecture without subjecting myself to judgement from some entitled giraffe-ducks,” said one sophomore chemistry major.


We found that reports of harassment involving the geese have been surfacing as early as 2012, when that student who liked to flail-his-arms-and scream-whilst-running-at-geese graduated. In the vacancy of immediate threat, the geese have grown cocky, snide, and pretentious.


“I was waiting for the bus when I felt like I was being watched. This feeling of surveillance persisted for what felt like whole minutes before I looked to my right only to see a goose turn its gaze at the last moment. I thought surely the goose could not be the source of my anxiety, but sure enough, when I turned back toward that subpar swan, it quickly diverted its gaze, avoiding eye contact.” said a senior computer science major.


“I have to take a new route home because of those stupid birds” she continued.


So far the University has taken no official actions towards the predatory birds, which has left students feeling helpless.


“My buddy tried to confront one once. The goose just opened its wings and began approaching us, chest out and everything, I had never seen such confidence. We averted our gaze and the goose turned its back to us. We had to leave.” said a freshman biology major.


A particularly distraught student found that a goose had begun following her outside Bagley Hall.


“As soon as I was outside, I knew I was in the wrong neighborhood. What appeared to be the leader began tailing me as I tried to walk to Husky Stadium. Once I was at the grass field, his cronies all looked at me at once. They had a cold, heartless demeanor. It was as if I was nothing but a nuisance to them. I tried walking a little faster but that only brought more attention from the others. They sat there, staring, plotting, scheming. There is something about them. They know something. I cannot get that feeling of isolation and subtle malice out of my mind” said a sophomore communications major.


She has since avoided the area entirely.


The list goes on.


The geese apparently disregard all laws of decent society and show no signs of changing.


Until something is done about this, this University will remain the site of countless nonverbal microaggressions on the wings of these conceited geese.


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