Devastating: Student Masturbates, Roommate Might Have Noticed

April 7, 2018

 

 

There were grim developments between two freshman roommates in McMahon Hall, as a late return to the room led to a potentially tragic decision by one individual involved.

 

While the perpetrator has asked to remain anonymous, he has this to say:

 

“Yeah like I totally thought he was asleep… but like afterwards…  I heard him like moving around and breathing a little different and like he definitely might’ve noticed”. Sticky situations such as these necesitate extreme caution and this poor student has decided to implement a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy.

 

One can barely fathom the drastic effects this development could have: intensely tugging upon the ropes that define their room-power dynamics and violently cranking upon the room’s emotional balance moving forward. This becomes even more concerning, considering the ambitious decision to not use headphones due to just how asleep the roommate surely must’ve been. This can only lubricate their relationship towards a downwards spiral.

 

Neighboring students have described tension between the two roommates as both “messy” and “hard to clean up”.

 

Inquiries into a potential roommate-switch have been denied thus far; a clear result of McMahon Resident Advisors underestimating the severity of the situation.

 

In closing, the story serves as a powerful reminder of the intricacies of rooming together in the age of internet porn. As of now, we can only pray for their attempts towards salvaging some kind of living-relationship for the duration of this quarter.

 

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