Feeling a little worried about your application to the Paul G. Allen School of Computer Science and Engineering? Well look no further! These tried-and-true tips are sure to give anybody a somewhat better chance of acceptance.
Tailor your application to advisor personal data (that you stole)
For a bunch of computer science specialists, the admission committee sure didn’t think twice about clicking your link to find out which Kardashian they are. Now that you’ve obtained all their personal information, try writing a statement they’ll really connect with. Maybe you find that 80% of the advising department has “liked” hiking on Facebook; mentioning your passion for hiking holds potential to give you that relatability x-factor!
Play hard to get
What better way to make yourself seem like a more desirable candidate for CSE than by making the major feel bad about itself? Instead of writing about extracurriculars or leadership experience, write about how you don’t even really want to study computer science and how you think aeronautics is way cooler. Tell CSE that it doesn’t have the grades to get into you. You can even try attacking CSE personally by saying things like, “computer science careers necesitate relearning the subject every five years”. Not only will you increase your chances, you’ll also frequently receive desperate texts from the admissions committee at 3 AM.
Seduce a tech billionaire
Simply sleep with, and cultivate a relationship with, a tech billionaire. This is not only beneficial for personal repertoire in the computer science world, but will also allow you to tastefully name drop them in your personal statement. Having trouble sealing the deal? Just sleep with someone that has an interest-peaking first name. Try statements like “Jeff would be awful disappointed if I don’t get in” or “Mark probably won’t be swinging by until I get in”.
Apply as an Artificially Intelligent Program you made
You could choose to apply as just another 3.9 GPA student, or you could choose to apply as Clarence 3000: that sentient computer program you created in your free time. The department might be tempted by Clarence’s self awareness, his past successes in national chess competitions, or his ability to solve sixty-eight math problems a minute. And, if Clarence doesn’t make the cut, at least his algorithm solving global water shortages is pretty neat.
Submit the personal statement in full binary
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Promise your firstborn to a faculty member
Grades not as strong as you’d like them to be? In your application, try promising your firstborn child to a CSE faculty member. If this is upsetting to you, you might be able to make a deal to keep your child later on if you can guess the counselor’s name. And hey, if you guess wrong, think of all the benefits your child will have being raised by a computer science professor. They’ll have no problem getting into CSE when they go to college! Honestly, that’s a much better life than anything you could ever give them.
Offer to return the dean’s *missing* children
Nothing quite says “worthy candidate” like an application saying the fate of the Dean of the College of Engineering, Michael B. Bragg’s innocent little family rests in the status of your application. Remember to not implicate yourself, to avoid pesky police officers finding his family (thus preventing your academic aspirations). This strategy tends to work extremely well if the dean also happens to be receiving severed fingers or toes as that deadline rolls around.