Director of UW Student Affairs Indicted for Affair with Student

April 17, 2018


The UW has moved forward with its indictment process of the director of the UW Department of student affairs. Director Richard Quincy has been formally charged by the department of Human Resources with having repeated sexual intercourse and a long-term personal relationship with an unnamed female student.


If convicted of the names charges, in violation of multiple directives forbidding any forms of faculty-student relationship, Quincy stands to be stripped of any position within the university.


While there are multiple stages left in the proceedings against Quincy, he not only publicly admitted to each charge but is adamant that his behavior reflects his positive contributions to the University and utmost dedication to the position.


In his public statement, he stood by each of his actions and criticized the community for failing to appreciate his professional excellence:


“When I took the office of the director of student affairs in 2015, I was faced with a tremendous challenge in performing the duties asked of me, by which I mean having an affair with a student. I recognize that a career in education entails many difficulties, and I am enormously proud of how I rose to the task of sleeping with a student.


I am exceptionally proud of how I, as a 47 year old man who is by no means conventionally attractive, managed to seduce a young girl into having sex with me not once but multiple times over the course of our 7-month fling. But I cannot take all the credit. I owe a great deal to my wonderful wife Janet for failing to recognize the many signs that I was sleeping with another girl behind her back. Thank you, Janet.”


“In the face of my obvious professional excellence, I am shocked to hear that the system has decided to single me out, persecute me, and threaten to take my job. As the Director of Student Affairs, I cannot imagine how my 7-month sexual and romantic affair with a blossoming young girl, in which I promised to leave my wife and start a future with her, all the while filling her head with all sorts of ridiculous fantasies, is not the utmost expression of my dedication to my position and my love of higher learning. But in these days, all the red tape and regulations make it impossible for someone like me who really cares about the students, in particular one student. “


While the University has refused to release details of the incident or of the alleged victim, citing the safety of the involved students, the information is readily available from Richard Quincy as he has refused to stop spilling out each and every aspect of the affair to anyone who happens to speak with him over the past few weeks.


The future of the office of Student Affairs is uncertain at the moment, with Quincy being the 8th consecutive director to be indicted for activities of this sort. The University is currently considering renaming the department and omitting references to affairs in an attempt to stop this common misunderstanding.



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