University President Commissions Nephew to Build New Bells Atop Suzzallo/Odegaard

May 5, 2018


Following the success of the new “Red Square Bells” on Kane Hall and the existing bells on Gerberding Hall, President Cauce has commissioned two new projects that will add similar bells to the roofs of both Odegaard and Suzzallo libraries. The man at the helm of this new endeavour is the president’s nephew, Timmy Richards.


“I like trains, and um, I-I like boats and I like the Big Ben and um … I like the school bell because then its recess”, eight year-old Richards continued. “I asked Aunty Cauce if there were bells like that at her school but she only said there are only two. She forgot my 8th birthday an-and that made me cry. Aunty asked me if putting more bells around her school would cheer me up and I said yes!”


Richards was given a 2.1 million dollar grant to construct the bells, despite specific concerns around campus.


“Is this what money is being spent on … bells?” asked a freshman who wished to remain anonymous, “Why couldn’t she have just showed up to the damn birthday party, now we have to hear … bells. Her nephew sucks too, he’s been running around throwing toy trains at people”.


However, the promise of the incoming bells has garnered some support on campus. The UW Satanists Club has been surprisingly excited about the oncoming auditory onslaught that the four opposing bells will bring to Red Square.


“It’s almost time...almost. The preparations are being put in order, we thank President Cauce for her courageous decision”, said one member before slowly backing away into the Law library, leaving behind a pungent smell of formaldehyde in his wake.


This is, of course, in reference to the concern that the reverberations of the four opposing bells simultaneously merging in the middle of Red Square will tear a hole in the space-time continuum, beckoning the arrival of the mythical King Beleth: bringing with him apocalyptic storms, 85 legions of demons, and his book on rudimentary mathematics.


For now, however, it appears the projects are on hiatus, as Richards was caught throwing a toy train at a fellow classmate and is grounded.



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