Off Leash’s ASUW Endorsements

May 9, 2018

 

Here it is: the long-awaited, much-anticipated Off Leash who’s-who endorsement list for these upcoming ASUW elections (that take place from the 9th through 12th of this month). We weren’t planning on voting either, but after extensive research we have decided to compile this list of the most apt and capable candidates to represent students just like you. For any first-time-voters, head over to http://vote.asuw.org and cast your vote.

 

What better way to show how much we, as a school, appreciate and understand ASUW’s role on campus, than by voting for legitimate, extremely qualified (write-in) candidates such as these?

 

President: UW Squirrels

After narrowly losing the presidency last year, UW Squirrels are back with adorably political vengeance. Students can look forward to UW Squirrels’ policies to provide healthier, easier-to-access trash cans. Everyone knows the UW Squirrels, and boy, do the squirrels know everyone. As the eyes and ears of campus, they have heard all your problems, all the calls to action, and they are ready to do whatever exactly it is that ASUW does to help. Also, they heard some stuff about me from Cabo and if they don’t win my political career could be in jeopardy. In addition, many can rest easy as the Squirrels have backed down on their proposed anti-dog policies.

 

Vice-President: Our Intern, Logan McKinney

Sure, he hasn’t made a meeting and sure, he’s shown us zero ability or effort in contributing to our publication, but he’s a great kid. What he may lack in talent or ambition he makes up for in spunk and, most importantly, gumption. A vote for our intern is a vote for someone we’d really love to see start doing something with his life.

 

Director of University Affairs: Chegg

Who was there when you missed lecture and homework was due at midnight? Who withheld judgement toward you for your inability to adhere to a healthy study schedule this quarter after doing the same for the past two quarters? Quizlet is fine for a while but ultimately you need some stability in your life and Quizlet is only good for a romp in the hay. Yahoo answers will leave you. Abandon you. You do not need that in your life after what happened last quarter. You need Chegg. Chegg understands. Chegg is there for you.

 

Director of Diversity Efforts: Darth Vader Guy

He dances. He smokes pot. He may-or-may not have commited intergalactic genocide based on your perception of the Empire. Now he is back and ready to make a metaphorical splash (because his suit is not waterproof) in this year’s election. If there is one thing this totalitarian ruler brings to the table it’s diversity. To promote equality on campus, he has proposed cloning minorities on campus to create universal basic proportions of our student body. Sure having identical versions of students on campus can be confusing, but so is Physics 122, so no big deal.

 

Director of Internal Policy: Drumheller Geese

Now I know what you are thinking: why the hell would I vote for those self-righteous second-rate swans? What do these piece-of-shit waterfowl bring to the game is applicable skill. Keen side eyes and displays of dominance are essential in maintaining an efficient and productive student government. None of our other elected officials would dare slack off for fear of the long prolonged eye contact of these noodle-neck poultry. Finally someone to keep ASUW in check.

 

Director of Community Relations: The Sun

Woah there. You’re probably thinking what will a gargantuan fireball millions of miles from Earth do for me as a student at the University of Washington? Well, this searing hot new candidate is out spewing its radiant personality on students AS WE SPEAK. Do you know anyone else who can reach nearly 40,000 college students A DAY and grace them with the opportunity to play frisbee in the quad at a moments notice? No, you don’t. We do. It’s the sun. Sun and fun. Name a more iconic duo. You can’t.

 

Director of Programming: UW Teens for Boundless Memes

Come on, you know you want to.

 

The Other Ones: I don’t know, just pick whoever.

Democracy is sacred, voting is a responsibility that honors tradition dating back to 1998 when the Undertaker threw Mankind of Hell in a Cell and plummeted 16 feet through an announcer’s table.

 

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