Tenured Psychology Professor Discovered to be Cannibal, University Staff Shrugs

May 19, 2018




A psychology professor at the University of Washington was discovered to be eating students on the weekends for the past five years. Previously, this professor in particular has been called “strange,” “controversial,” “eccentric,” and even, “kinda hot,” but nothing like this had been reported before.


Despite the concerns of these Psych 101 students, University staff has referenced the dilemma of tenure—in specific, that they can not have the professor face repercussions, for he is tenured and protected by law.


Early this morning, a student who had gone to office hours noticed that there was a door behind one of the brain diagrams hung on the wall in the professor’s office. Upon further scrutiny, the student saw that there was a password lock on the handle, requiring a code word to enter the inconspicuous room.


When the professor pardoned himself to go to the bathroom, the student could not help but to satisfy curiosity. By punching in the first word that came to mind, “Freud,” the student gained entry.


Inside, the freshman was met with a scene so gruesome he had trouble recounting it when questioned by one of our reporters. Apparently, various body parts were marked with intentions for different meals, ultimately to be dined on by the professor in his home. The student said that many of the recently missing students that had taken the class were scattered about throughout the room.


Before the professor could return, the student had closed the door and went straight to the administration to alert them of the cannibalistic professor.


Allegations of this nature, by policy, require an immediate sit-down with the professor in question with the administrative staff. The meeting occurred this morning and we interviewed a staff member who wished to remain anonymous to report the proceedings.


“He did confess that occasionally, he will pick a student, typically a middle-of-the-curve type, and devour their body slowly over the course of a weekend. We know this is not conducive of an optimal learning environment, but we had to take into consideration that he is, in fact, tenured,” said the staff member.


When questioned on whether it is acceptable that students should fear that the teacher will capture them in rudimentary, medieval-style torture devices before gutting and eating their flesh, the staff member responded quickly:“We hear your concerns. The University of Washington is a place of learning, and progressive thinking; noone should have to lose their roommate or best friend because that one psychology professor decided to skip lunch, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do at this time. The process is long and we don’t have the time to file all the paperwork,” said the staff member.


As of right now, the accused professor will continue class as scheduled, and his 10:30 a.m. Psych 101 lecture is full for this quarter, but it is likely that if you are looking for a slot, one or two are bound to open up soon.


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