College Republicans Baffled Nobody Talks About All the Times They Didn’t Get Shot

May 23, 2018


A joint study by the College Republicans and UW School of Public Policy has officially given up trying to figure out why people only want to talk about the times people get shot, versus all the times people didn’t get shot.


“It doesn’t make sense”, says lead-researcher and College Republican President Chevy Swanson, “everybody freaks out and makes a big deal out of when there’s another shooting, but those same people don’t even make a peep when say -- kids go to school, and, like, all of them totally live.”


The study first compared the amount of people getting shot to the amount of people fishing, getting coffee, hiking, or, in general, living. “The numbers just don’t add up”, declares Swanson perplexedly scratching his temple with one of the many anatomically correct Tickle-Me-Reagan Dolls scattered across his office.


Next the research began to investigate the effect of news distribution on the matter. Multiple experimental articles were released, all generating next-to-no response by people or the media. Articles like, “Gun Sits Quietly at Home”, and “‘Local High Schooler Survives” were virtually ignored by the mainstream media.


Whether it is justified for 14-18 year-olds across the country to fear going to high-school as these shootings continue, Swanson concluded, “I don’t know, I’m not in high-school.”


The College Republican President says not to lose faith though.


“Really we need to pray for continued inactivity by our elected officials… oh, and the victims … almost forgot… pray for them too.”


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