UW Libraries to Ban “Stank-Ass” Foods

May 26, 2018

Students were left panicking following an announcement by University librarians declaring: “Students are no longer allowed to bring in some stank-ass food to our goddamn libraries”. 


I sat down with librarian Martha Everstein who said, “get that fucking stank shit out of here, I’m tired of this whole fucking place smelling like whatever gross shit you’re eating.” She went on to assure students that most foods would still be allowed, just not the food she says, “smells like shit.”


For students wondering what exactly this new rule entails, they must only sniff foods they’re seeking to bring in. What Everstein calls, “normal food that normal people would eat in a library,” is still fine. In contrast she says that, “hot bowls filled with some fucking fish and onions or whatever” will no longer be allowed.


In regard to the possible discriminatory nature of the new rule, Martha Everstein really went off the deep end.


“Oh, kids are gonna be sad when they have to eat their full fucking meals at the tables in the garbage restaurants they’re getting that shit? Instead of my tiny-ass sauna of a library? Boo-hoo.”


When reached for comment, that dude eating a full bowl of clam chowder in the corner of Paccar Library didn’t take his headphones out.


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