UW Bans Sober Canoe Rentals

May 29, 2018


UW Water Activity Center has updated its canoeing policies to no longer allow rentals by sober students. It specifies that rentals are intended only for students “planning to be seriously to dangerously drunk for the majority of their time on the water.”


This change was prompted when boat rental employees noticed a shocking number of students returning canoes without slurring words or falling off the dock. One employee commented, “It’s disturbing. Boozy canoe rentals are, like, a culture here. I feel like anyone neglecting to down alcohol on their canoe trip is not only being a square, but disgracing what the campus stands for and even more so, is a direct attack on the purpose of this rental center. As a dedicated and proud employee, I take great offense.”


In order to enforce this, the new guidelines include a bag check on arrival to assess whether there’s enough alcohol for the entire group. Upon returning a breathalyzer is used as each person exits the boat--individuals blowing under a .08 Blood Alcohol Content are sent back out on the water with a thirty-rack of Keystones.


The new policy holds that if such rulebreakers can’t crush the thirty beers by the 7:30 mandatory boat-return, they can stay out there for all anybody cares.


Despite concerns over the new rule having a possibly exclusive affect, students are raving about both its fairness and realistic expectations. Junior, and avid canoer, Chad Merryweather says about the matter: “everybody who’s anybody knows the only way to explore the arboretum and really experience the magic of Lake Washington is to grab a half gal’ and go get figgity on one of those, what’d ya call em? Boats... Yeah that’s it, but y’know the kinda-long ones.”


This policy will not yet extend to row boats or kayaks but may be in the future if the availability of canoes alone cannot support the masses of drunken students.


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