Student Finishing Fourth Beer Before Noon on Parents’ Couch Confident This Will Be His Year

September 5, 2018



Incoming Junior Connor Thompson proclaimed that he believes the upcoming scholastic year will be the year he finally “gets his shit together.” Crushing his fourth empty Coors can of the day in his hand and starting the next rerun of The Office, Thompson proclaimed that by focusing on doing “more studying” and setting his ambitions to “not miss any lectures next quarter, even the early ones,” he would ensure greater academic success than he’d had over his last two years at the University of Washington.


The past three months spent working part-time in a local restaurant and day-drinking in his parents’ house, according to Thompson, was the “decompression I needed from finals last quarter.” Even though some of his friends spent the summer working internships relevant to their career aspirations, Thompson is not worried about his lack of productivity over these months as “it is summer” and this next year he “will really get his shit together, and probably get back in shape.” This, of course, is in reference to his previous proclamation that this summer he would “work out a ton”,  once again made possible by all the free time provided by his lack of internship or summer coursework.


In response to criticism from some of his peers and mom, Thompson has promised that unlike the previous two years, this year he will “really try”, an unprecedented tactic that he hopes will salvage the last two years of his college education. Now that he’s run out of general education requirements to fulfill, Thompson will finally have to start zeroing in on a major. At the time of interview, he was considering majoring in geology, sociology, or fisheries, because “I don’t know, I should do something.”


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