President Cauce Proposes Improvement to Capacity-Constrained Major System: Husky Purge

October 26, 2018

 

News broke this September that the Class of 2022 is the largest ever to enter the UW, prompting criticism from returning students who feared it would become even more difficult to get into competitive majors.

 

In response to student concerns, President Ana Marie Cauce held a press conference in which she outlined her proposed solution for improving the capacity-constrained major system.

 

“I fully understand why students feel frustrated and it’s clear that going forward, we need to decrease the size of our student body,” Cauce said. “That’s why I plan to work with the Board of Regents and ASUW to instigate an annual Husky Purge.”

 

Drawing inspiration by the 2013 movie The Purge and its sequels, the plan calls for one night a year where both laws and university policy would go unenforced on campus.

 

“It’s an excellent 12-hour opportunity for our students to be truly boundless,” Cauce said. “You’ll be free to exact revenge on crappy Tinder dates and steal all your roommate’s shit. Most importantly, you’ll have the chance to murder other students applying for your intended major to improve your odds of getting in.”

 

The plan was met with mixed reactions at the press conference. Many students in attendance were willing to give the plan a shot, but wondered if a less drastic solution could have been found.

 

“I like the idea of being able to get into my major more easily,” sophomore Timothy Watson, who is pre-engineering, said. “But part of me feels like the university could have tried, like, admitting fewer people or diverting funds to popular majors before allowing students to murder each other for a 12-hour period. If that makes sense.”

 

However, one student, a thin man in a blood-splattered poncho who preferred to remain anonymous, expressed enthusiasm about the Husky Purge.

 

“Once while she was giving me a bath, Mother told me that there were two types of people: constructive people, who solve problems and build a better world and destructive people who only do harm,” he mumbled while fiddling with a rusty switchblade. “But when I was eleven and I caught her cheating on Daddy with the ghost of her uncle, I realized that we are all innately garbage and the only way to build is to destroy.”

 

The Husky Purge has been tentatively set for mid-winter quarter for logistical reasons.

 

“By hosting the Purge in the middle of winter quarter, we will reduce the size of the student body in time for surviving students to have less difficulty applying for their majors at the beginning of spring quarter,” Cauce said. “But we’ll still get two quarters worth of tuition from the dead students so it’s a win-win.”

 

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