Aspiring Photographer Impresses Female Students with Unsolicited “Phallic Photography”

January 10, 2019


Since he was a child, junior Justin Schwartz dreamed of becoming an artist. When he arrived at the University of Washington, he had no doubt that he wanted to study painting and drawing, but this hope was derailed when he received a 0.8 in Art 190.


“It’s crazy because it’s very common to draw nude models in art class,” Schwartz said, “but apparently it was somehow wrong that I chose to use my own manhood as a model for every assignment.”


Schwartz attempted to earn a higher grade in his next art class by providing photographs along with his sketches to show the instructor just how accurate his penis portraits were, but this only prompted more criticism.


“The instructor said that this was ‘incredibly inappropriate,’” Schwartz said, using air quotes.  “And also that I was ‘grossly exaggerating my girth,’ whatever that means.”


Feeling low and lost, Schwartz looked over his work he had produced and realized that his photography showed real promise. He decided then that he would pursue a BA in Art, with an emphasis in photo/media and become a professional photographer, with an emphasis in what he terms “phallic photography.”


Now, Schwartz frequently works as a photographer for weddings and other events. Creating and sharing phallic photography is still his focus, however. While he has yet to have his work published, he has been very successful in earning the appreciation of female students, who are often willing to provide Schwartz with a “nice ol’ rubdown or two” after seeing samples from his portfolio.


“I was so sick of guys sending me unsolicited dick pics that have no artistic merit,” sophomore Kristen Chen said. “Sure, some guys understood the rule of thirds, but they were always shot from a weird angle or with terrible lighting. When Justin showed up unannounced at my apartment with a framed black-and-white still and I saw how beautifully he had utilized that soft-focus lens, there was no way I wasn’t going to have sex with him.”


“I have to admit that it was very avante-garde and sophisticated,” said senior Riley Cartwright, whom Schwartz calls Rim-job Riley. “I do have to say, though, that I think Justin might be using Photoshop to exaggerate his girth.”


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