“Everybody is Safe, Everything is Fine, ” Reports UWPD

January 30, 2019


Following recent incidents of various crimes near campus, University and Seattle Police departments released a joint announcement that everything is indeed fine, everybody is totally safe, and to “stop freaking out about it, ok?”


Police chief Dale Samson took the lead in easing the apparently misplaced fears of local students.


“Sure it seems like back-to-back shootings should scare students… one could maybe even draw the conclusion that your local peacekeeping officers are failing you,” Samson declared to students occasionally glancing over his shoulder.


“What’s important to understand,” Samson continued. “Is that -- HOLY FUCK WHAT WAS THAT -- oh, just a balloon? Thank god… see, just like I said: nothing to worry about.”


Then the police chief removed a folded piece of paper from inside his jacket pocket to address the specific instances where gunfire was heard in close proximity to where thousands of students aged 18-22 years old live.


“The incident on 45th is in no way connected to the incident on 55th, so, once again this is nothing to worry about,” Samson said. “We have not yet confirmed whether the incident in Ravenna Park is related, but we are sure it is fine. Everything’s fine.”


It was made abundantly clear to every student in attendance that the situation is in control, so they could just like totally chill out about the whole thing.


Local police also chose to put things in a more logical context for students pointing out that, “there’s like 30,000-or-some students around here, obviously some of them are going to get shot … that’s not on us.”


Following the briefing the police officers all split an Uber home saying, “well it is after 6 and it’s getting kind of dark out.”



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