Report: Singer in Band at House Show Also in Your Quiz Section

April 5, 2019

Amidst a night of mindless headbanging along to shitty live music, smoking on various deteriorating stairwells, and chillin’ by the keg, sources confirmed late Friday that “yes, in fact, that singer in that band at the house show is also in your quiz section.”


Claims that the singer gracing the dirt-covered, makeshift stage of a local U-District backyard was in fact Jack from your Chem 152 quiz section were originally met with skepticism, and later quite a bit of doubt after everything went blurry in the immediate moments following a fat moke. Upon further squinting, however, it was reported that it indeed had to be him.


Jack, rocking up there like he was Mick Jagger in the ‘80s, standing shirtless at the helm of university-born band Urinal Birthday Cake with a hoop in his nose and fire in his eyes, is reportedly the shy, outwardly freshman boy who has been submissively supplying you and your chem partner with lab answers.


The student, a gifted singer and an evidently seasoned electric guitarist, has much more confidence than you and the rest of his classmates in Chem 152 T/Th Section E may have originally thought, if his steady, looming onstage-demeanor and sexily-clinging patchwork button-down indicated much.


It has been confirmed that Jack also serves as the band’s lyricist, supplying haunting lyrics to such hits heard tonight like “Lonely Maybe,” “All I Need This Cuffing Season is You,” and “There’s No Career in the Liberal Arts.”


Following your and Jack’s exchange of a few solemn head nods in recognition of each other, sources additionally confirmed that “Yeah... this was a little awkward for you and Jack.”


Jack, known in quiz section circles as a timid but frequent hand-raiser who delivers carefully-calculated answers to the TA while nervously avoiding glances from fellow students, declined to comment on the situation.


Reports claim you should not feel offended that after you cheerily said “Congratulations!” to Jack, he paused only briefly to throw you a head nod before brushing his sweaty body past you, propelling you head-first into a clan of out-of-place sorority girls as he continued to glide through the crowd, receiving hearty back slaps from a myriad of adoring fans.


Honestly, it’s okay. Just let Jack be Jack at this house show.


And you? You should just be you-- go take another moke. When you wake up 15 minutes later and the bathroom line is still two miles long, feel free to pee anywhere.


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