Admissions Scandal: Dub Street Employees Not Qualified to Get Your Kid into UW

April 11, 2019


Housing and Food Services employees across campus have been reporting an increase in the number of people asking them non food-related questions.


Patrick Howell, student food worker at DUB Street Burgers, located in the HUB, says it’s becoming increasingly more common for visiting parents on campus tours to ask for tips on their child’s admissions process.


“Oh yeah, parents come in all the time looking for advice. I try telling them, ‘you know, I just sell the chicken strips,’ but that really never works,” Patrick explained during his 5-minute break. He added, “Eventually, I just had to make up my own spiel. I’ll say things like, ‘look it's all about a holistic application.’ I’ve even made my own business card”.


Upon closer examination, reporters claim that Patrick’s business card reads, “PATRICK HOWELL, CHICKEN STRIP VENDOR & ADMISSIONS CONSULTANT”.


Though some employees like Patrick seem to have embraced the unexpected addition to the job description, many are tired of having to console concerned parents.  


“You would think this would be enough for them to realize this isn’t the admissions office” Lesley, another DUB Street worker said as she used tongs to point at her HFS Dining hat, “I just wish somebody would ask me something I actually know about. Like how to make sure you get the perfect amount of fries, or what’s in the dub sauce.”


Stephen Winger, father of a local high schooler and hopeful future Husky, insists that parents are just trying to take advantage of the unique opportunity to talk to actual, real live students. “Look. Those peppy tour guides are paid to tell me exactly what I want to hear. But these guys,” Stephen said while gesturing in no particular direction at all, “These guys will tell you the truth. I mean, they got in here, didn’t they? They gotta know something.”


Though it is true that the student employees did get themselves through the  UW admissions process, this doesn’t necessarily mean they have all the answers.


Applicants and their parents are encouraged to direct all inquiries to the UW Admissions office located in Schmitz Hall.


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