Self Care FTW: UW Adopts First Ever Quad Baby

April 16, 2019


In an attempt to promote self-care, the University of Washington administration announced last Tuesday that it will be introducing the newest addition to the UW Health and Wellness team: Kyle the Quad Baby, endearingly referred to as the “Quaby.” Yup, you heard it right here folks, some universities have dog petting to help their students relieve stress, but as stated by Tonya Carson, a therapist with the UW Counseling Center, “that’s some little league shit.”


Kyle the Quaby will hold office hours from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Mondays through Thursdays adjacent to Smith Hall in the Liberal Arts Quadrangle. The Health and Wellness team has provided a myriad of large plastic blocks and bubbles for the enjoyment of both students and the Quaby. Jane Roberts, director of UW Health and Wellness, revealed to Off Leash that Kyle the Quaby was adopted because of his “strong interpersonal skills, cultural sensitivity, and ability to tutor a fucking shit load of STEM subjects.”


The administration has assured the public that there is no need to worry for the Quaby's safety. Kyle will be close enough in proximity to the Department of Early Childhood and Family Studies that someone relatively qualified will probably take care of him.


When asked for comment on this unique addition to the UW team, Ana Mari Cauce stated “originally, the administration planned on obtaining therapy dogs as an outlet for our students to relieve stress, but I was informed by several colleagues that the university may face objection from animal rights activists. So, in order to be respectful to our Vegetarian and Vegan community, the university decided to move in a different direction. Also having our own baby is sick as fuck.” After careful consideration the administration decided that it would be best not to put the well-beings of animals at risk, and decided to take the much simpler, safer route of adopting a child.


Kyle J. Schmitz-McMahon was adopted April 6th and is excited to be part of the Dawg Pack at just 1 year old. When asked for comment Kyle remained silent due to the fact that he has not yet developed the ability to speak. However, Kyle was described by his caretaker as “endearing, bubbly, and fucking rad.”


On behalf of the University of Washington community, Off Leash would like to extend a warm hand of welcome to Kyle the Inaugural Quaby.



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