First They Came for Sanskrit: UW Cuts All Language Departments Except For Java

June 3, 2019


In the wake of the news that the small but mighty Sanskrit department at UW is facing termination, UW administration has decided to slash all foreign language offerings except for Java. Currently, the university offers 45 different foreign languages, from popular choices like French and Spanish to the eccentric Uyghur and Latvian, but following this change, it would offer only one.


Citing funding turmoil, student interest, and employment opportunities, university president Ana Mari Cauce elaborated, “It’s always a tragedy to downsize departments, and today is no exception. The silver lining is that we’re incredibly excited about the expansion to the Java department, including the upcoming God Emperor Bezos Edifice For Churning Out Wage Slaves and another enigmatic competitive admissions process to rehaul in three years.”


The president went on in her full statement to explain how the Java department rollout was part of a larger plan to have every student fluent in at least one object-oriented and functional language by 2025.  “Soon,” offered Professor Stuart Reges, newly-appointed Special Advisor to the Java department, “you’ll hear conversations in ten different frameworks just on your walk to class.”

However, community members are not accepting the changes without a fight. Latin professor Stephen Hinds was seen wielding a trident and net, crossing Stevens Way near the CSE building. When asked for comment, he replied, “Alea iacta est,” which (for our monolingual readers) translates as “die.cast()”.

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