New Study Justifies UW Animal Testing: Monkeys Were Bad Monkeys

October 1, 2019



New revelations surrounding the University of Washington’s animal testing have revealed groundbreaking justifications surrounding its animal testing trials. The study found that despite violating basic ethics by testing and torturing animals, the UW’s monkeys were some really bad monkeys.


“I honestly was feeling pretty bad about my role in the testing,” Jason Connor, an animal researcher at the UW, said. “But then last week I walked in on Monkey F19 writing his manifesto.”


It was later revealed that Monkey F19 was deeply involved in 8Chan, and was indoctrinating other monkeys into his white supremacist and George Soros conspiracies. The monkeys represented a group of bigoted, short-sighted, and icky monkeys. For that reason, the University stated that everyone can just chill out now because clearly these were some bad monkeys.


“Hey, I am with you guys, most animals don’t deserve to be subjected to brutal pharmaceutical trials that can result in residual damage and even fatalities,” said Connor. “But like if we gotta do it, I say at least the monkey who got mutilated was a racist monkey. Silver lining. You know?”


In the UW’s 200-page report, research assistant Pamela King’s experiences with bad monkeys were also documented.


“Every time I walked by the monkey cages, they would use sign language to insinuate that they were having sexual relations with my mother,” King said.


UW President Ana Mari Cauce has spoken out to the public, reassuring everyone that no good monkeys have been harmed in university facilities.


“We have verified that all the monkeys were either racist, sexist, or listened to Joe Rogan,” Cauce said in a press statement.


“We may have overdone it a couple times,” program coordinator Tom Richards said. “Like I know how it looks when one of our monkeys runs out of the facility on fire screaming in torment, but, as you guys now know, that was a really bad monkey.”


Richards says he expects the traumatized students to drop their lawsuit against the UW now that they know the monkey, who died of severe burns, was indeed, a piece of shit.

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