As students donned their caps and gowns and entered Husky Stadium to finally conclude their academic journey, a certain smell permeated the air. No, not lake water. Confidence. 

“I’m definitely sad to be leaving behind a perfect academic record, a varsity sports career, and all my brothers and sisters in my pre-med fraternity, but I think the CEO position I have waiting for me in the fall will be worth it,” said graduating freshman Taylor Tran. When asked whether she was disappointed to be leaving other friends or family, Tran asked why she would have any friends she can’t put on her resume.

Out of the 7,500 students attending graduation 7,499 say that they have jobs, internships, or other plans waiting for them post-graduation. Camile Larson is the only student who does not.

“I’ve just been focusing on learning for the past four years, I guess I wasn’t thinking about what comes next,” said Camile. “I did internships. I did well in class. I’m just not sure what I really want to do for the rest of my life yet.” As per University policy, Camile has been scrubbed from all records and is banned from wearing University-sponsored merchandise or the color purple until she has found her true, most-profitable calling.

For any current undergraduates lacking direction, we suggest joining a support group of other students who also have no future prospects. Perhaps your university satire publication. To the class of 2022, congratulations! We’d wish you luck, but you clearly don’t need it. 

Except for you, Camile. Get your shit together.