Starting this quarter, the Husky Union Building’s beloved pan-Asian cuisine site Firecracker has moved away from the capitalistic business model in favor of communism. With this change, students will find that the jump in price between chicken and beef is no longer as dangerous for their financial stability. In fact, now that beef is no longer an extra $1.50, one might think the fruits of communism are boundless.
Read MoreLast week, the UW Department of Psychology found themselves in possession of a pair of Mormon missionaries after they had followed a carefully laid trail of Dr. Pepper cream soda and gay porn magazines right into the lab of Dr. Peder Astey, Professor of Psychology.
Read MoreAnother building has fallen victim to the tyranny which is the “artist” “Henry.” You aren’t completely surprised by this. It is, after all, a new age yoga studio of which all of the men possess the same (tastefully done) fledgling of a top bun on their about-to-ask-r/bald receding hairlines: the prime Henry audience.
Read MoreStarting in January 2027, the UDistrict Barnes & Noble will be massively expanding its catalogue to cover previously underrepresented genres. However, out of concern for the lack of available retail space, Barnes & Noble will once again occupy the University Bookstore’s floor, which is currently in the basement.
Read MoreTwo years ago, after peaceful protests failed to garner any results regarding the UW’s complicity with the genocide in Gaza, 33 student protesters took over the Intramural Engineering Building. The IEB, a newly built engineering building, was partially funded by Boeing and other corporations involved with Israel’s actions in Gaza.
Read MoreFollowing the recent diarrhea-rug scandal, it has been unanimously decided that Dubs XVII will be the last Dubs of a long, prestigious pedigree; as such, he has been fired and surrendered to Seattle Humane. This morning, UW announced that the role will be filled by Jimothy the Raccoon, internet star and cutie patootie sweet baby boy.
Read MoreBy the time a student gets to the point of referring to ChatGPT as ‘chat’ or, worse, “my chat,” their neurons are so calcified that any electrical signal that escapes containment should be classified as a miracle. I can confidently assert that some students have gotten dumber since starting university due to years of offloading their work onto a glorified sentence generator.
Read MoreIn response to many seniors lamenting the lack of job opportunities and steep costs of living after graduation, UW president Robert J. Jones announced earlier today that UW is offering a new, streamlined solution to students who are unsure about their future.
Read MoreIt’s well-known that Suzzallo has been under construction for about 12 years, with visible scaffolding completely obscuring the view. However, the UW administration announced a major stylistic change this weekend that may make people think twice about visiting. Project Manager Hammy Wilde stated this past Sunday that, due to Trump Administration Budget cuts, “Suzzallo just looks like that now.” Alongside the swanky permanent look, Wilde also said he will be losing half of his staff, along with his tenure, his firstborn, and his beloved dog Coco.
Read MoreHSTAFM 420, Colonization of the African Continent in the Twenty-first Century, will be one of those courses offered this coming Autumn quarter. The course will be taught by renowned British scholar Dr. Boer Wharton, who has spent most of his life researching the effects of Dutch and British colonialism in South Africa and living in his humble abode in Orania. While this course falls under the History Department, non-history majors can also take it by signing up for its equivalent class, B A 667, Methods of Modern Colonization to Get Rich Quick.
Read MoreSound Transit recently announced that all canine transit passengers will now be required to have their own Orca card in order to ride. This announcement comes in the wake of controversy over Sound Transit’s $32 Billion deficit.
That’s where the Canine Orca cards come in.
Read MoreEarlier this Tuesday, the Burke-Gilman Trail was swarmed by a mob of millennial cyclists proclaiming they had seized the university segment using guerrilla military tactics and were declaring it a new nation free from pedestrians. Analysts are calling it the largest regime change seen on campus since the Silverfish Uprising of Haggett Hall, which ended only after a peace offering of a dozen sacrificial freshmen and a pinky promise from then-president Ana Marie Cauce that she would (maybe) consider divesting from Boeing to said silverfish.
Read MoreA few weeks ago, the community of the University of Washington received the rare UW alert about a gas leak, albeit a non-threatening one, occurring at the construction site of Haggett Hall. The situation was resolved in a reasonable amount of time, and a second UW alert confirmed that no one had died or been seriously injured. Recently, this conclusion has been called into question.
Read MoreI've been a writer for Off Leash for a while now, and with half the shit I've managed to get through to the website, I'm fairly convinced the officers don't vet the articles before posting. Ever since my mom blocked me for "crying too much in her DMs," I've needed another emotional outlet. Therapy's expensive, so let's give this a shot.
Read MoreLike everyone else on this campus addicted to microtransactions, I really, really loved the addition of Lime scooters to Seattle. Despite my excitement, however, there’s always been something troubling me about these products. Each year that I expect my fears to be addressed in equipment upgrades, I'm continually disappointed.
Read MoreHis screen is completely foreign.
Read MoreGuys, let’s face it: in this day and age, it’s practically impossible to get a girlfriend. Our forefathers were able to get into a relationship just by being red-blooded, driven, masculine men, but nowadays girls need you to fit their overbearing standards, and something as innocent as alcoholism is suddenly an instantly disqualifying “ick.” Even worse, keen-eyed men have begun to realize that women of this day and age are increasingly rejecting the masculine ideal of the past for weaker, soy-guzzling insults to the male species, all because of frivolous reasons like “listening” and “taking showers.” Because of this, many men have begun to morph themselves into the only men women seem to tolerate—gay ones.
Read MoreIn an attempt to assist with student complaints regarding class and room registration, UWIT has gone ahead and added an extension of the AI-powered surveillance system, Palantir, into MyPlan. Starting next year, students will be required to upload a photo of their driver’s license with a matching birth certificate in order to continue to use MyPlan and attend UW.
Read MoreThe University of Washington has recently been under fire for not only platforming yet another far-right dipshit at an event hosted by the wounded but not dead Turning Point USA, but also sending UWPD in to arrest a counter protestor. In a bold move, the University of Washington has doubled down in response to these complaints.
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