This morning, UW Police Chief Barry Beans announced a new initiative to curb crime on campus: plans to introduce an elite task force of crime stoppers inspired by the hit film and television franchise Paw Patrol. Chief Beans says the inspiration behind this team emerged after watching Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie in 30 second increments on TikTok.

Like many universities across the country, The University of Washington has used prison labor to construct its dorm room furniture for years. Historically the university has faced pushback for this, with critics referring to the practice as “legalized modern-day slavery,” “a prime example of the rot at the core of late stage capitalism,” and “bad.” Despite these objections, The University of Washington has shown no signs of stopping—in fact, recently leaked internal documents suggest that the UW plans to use prison labor in a variety of new and exciting ways.

Students at the University of Washington were surprised when they arrived on campus this Halloween and discovered that a towering black obelisk had appeared in the Quad seemingly overnight. While the obelisk was initially suspected to be some sort of extremely elaborate Halloween installation, confusion quickly turned to fear after a group of students touched the obelisk and were transmogrified into a variety of non-human entities, such as a swarm of bats, a bipedal fish creature, and a sad-seeming raincloud.

Have you ever been unable to get out of bed in the morning due to the crushing weight of existence? Does nothing truly make you happy anymore? Do you crank it to Zootopia futanari at 3:00 A.M just to feel the briefest of dopamine releases? We’ve all been there before, but according to the UW Counselling Center, there may be a solution. Stop taking your antidepressants, stop going to therapy, and instead drink until your brain stops telling you to be sad.