The UW farm has consistently provided some much-needed fresh produce to the markets and dining locations. Recently, it has performed so well that UW administration has decided to expand its operations beyond just produce. Please welcome UW’s new expansion to the UW Farm: the UW Slaughterhouse!
Read MoreIn response to recent campus safety threats, UW Police chief Craig Wilson recently announced a heavily anticipated safety update to the UW Alert system: a new, easy-to-read indicator of how horribly you’re going to die after you’re shot, stabbed, or otherwise exploded by the identified threat. “We realized that there’s been a lot of unrest and uncertainty recently regarding campus security from students,” Craig said, “but rest assured, most threats will only result in a swift passing with minimal suffering. We wanted to give students that peace of mind.”
Read MoreLast Monday, HFS announced a mass recall of all “DUB Sauce” products on the DUB Street Burgers menu. These include favorites like the Classic DUB, the Noble Yet Misunderstood PB&J, and the Barbeque Burger Who Is Kind Of An Asshole. Students were left wondering what could have happened until this past Wednesday, when the FDA released an official report. As it turns out, DUB Sauce is made of actual Dubs—that is, his drool.
Read MoreThe Ancient Stoics believed that ekpyrosis, an ancient and divine fire, would engulf the universe. Norsemen died with weapons in hand so that they might rise again to fight in Ragnarok, the last battle. Aztec priests pulled the still beating hearts from captured warriors to prevent the end of time. Truly, Mankind has always been haunted by the inevitability of apocalypse.
Yet no prophet could have foreseen when the end would come, nor what form it would take. No great omens preceded its coming. On February 25th, 2026, there was no dramatic battle nor divine fire. The end of the world came not on the back of a falling star or the fang of a giant serpent. It was a whisper. A deadly proclamation.
“Smiling Friends” to End After Third Season
Read MoreIn the midst of his Presidents Day Address, failed casino magnate and current President Donald J. Trump suddenly unhinged his jaw in a snakelike fashion and vomited out thousands of locusts. The swarm proceeded to violently devour the White House Press Corps and seven Secret Service agents, but left President Trump untouched.
Read MoreFrom Shakespeare’s romantic odes to Pitbull’s “International Love (ft. Chris Brown)”, love songs have long been a way of expressing devotion to one’s other half. Many young lovers continue this practice, but their attempts are often markedly elementary. Though potentially charming, the overestimation of talent and belief that all your girlfriend wants is a poor Eliott Smith cover for valentines has led to a notable rise in Guitar-Induced Vomiting Syndrome.
Read MoreTo the dismay of couples everywhere this Tuesday, the CDC just announced new research declaring that posting your significant other on Valentine’s day leads to a staggering 100% chance of a devastating, messy, and gut-wrenching breakup.
Read MoreIn a modern world full of stressors like imminent climate change, a rapidly collapsing economy, and that weird pain you have on your side, it is no wonder that 13% of Americans are currently prescribed SSRIs. SSRIs, or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, are common drugs that are used to treat anxiety, depression, and various other mental disorders. Generally, it is not recommended to combine alcohol and SSRIs, as there are many accompanying risks such as counteracting treatment, worsened side effects, and impaired judgement. Despite these considerations, however, many still choose to combine the two.
Read MoreShortly after announcing its groundbreaking AI platform Purple – short for Purple Nurple – the University of Washington has since announced an additional add-on to promote socializing, wellbeing, and the mental fortitude of computer science students: AI girlfriends in the beloved art style of soft-power anime.
Read MoreIt’s an open secret that the UW District Markets are the perfect place to go to steal your mid-lecture drink. While I’ve legally been advised not to openly endorse this practice, shoplifting from the DM is an integral part of being a UW student. But with theft so rampant, something must be done so that the brave student cashiers don’t have to idly stand by as their hard-stocked goods are escorted out of the store without payment. Thus, I think we should start giving them guns.
Read MoreUpon returning home for the winter holidays, UW student Shembert O’Malley made the tragic mistake of jokingly referencing yaoi at the dinner table. After Shembert’s refusal to answer questions like “what's yaoi?” and “are you learning Japanese?” and “why are you trying to hide under the table?” Shembert’s grandmother found the answers when she discovered yaoi.fandom.com.
Read MoreThe last couple of weeks have been tough for Husky Football fans, as numerous players have entered the transfer portal to leave Seattle. The new year has seen heavy hitters like Adam Mohammed, Raiden Vines-Bright, and star quarterback Demond Williams Jr. setting their sights on other colleges. While Mohammed and Vines-Bright have successfully committed to other schools through the transfer portal, Williams Jr. has reportedly entered a multi-dimensional wormhole instead. He hasn’t been seen or heard from in over a week, and UWPD has put out a statement asking the public for help.
Read MoreWith finals looming over the horizon, the professors of the University of Washington have once again begun their Sisyphian task of reiterating their anti-cheating policies despite knowing full well that the only student paying attention wasn’t going to cheat anyway. Math classes hardly need to worry about cheating, as there’s barely even time to solve the problems— let alone look them up– but with the breadth of subjects offered at the UW, it really is every professor for him/her/theirself.
Read MoreIn a groundbreaking initiative, the NCAA Board of Governors recently announced that student-athlete eligibility will be extended to allow middle-aged men who are still “young at heart” to continue to peak in college. To do so, the NCAA is expanding college football rosters both physically and aged-ly, as the age cap for athlete eligibility will be extended from a maximum ‘5th year’ to ‘28th year’ student-athletes.
Read MoreThis morning, UW Police Chief Barry Beans announced a new initiative to curb crime on campus: plans to introduce an elite task force of crime stoppers inspired by the hit film and television franchise Paw Patrol. Chief Beans says the inspiration behind this team emerged after watching Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie in 30 second increments on TikTok.
Read MoreThis September, social media was abuzz with news of the rapture: the event signaling the return of Jesus and the ascension of true believers into heaven. For most, September 23rd came and went without any trumpets, ascended souls, or bearded men on white horses. While many took this as a sign that the rapture, in fact, did not occur at the predestined date, this was a misconception. Off Leash writer Gary King, who died last Monday due to a razor blade in a Snickers bar, went to heaven and secured an exclusive interview with the only person to be raptured. This not only surprised Christians around the world, but Off Leash members who were sure he was at most ending up in purgatory.
Read MoreNestled between blankets on the Ave, a living, breathing, and occasionally ranting emblem of the modern job market can be found. Local homeless man “Poli-Sci Pete” is 47 years old, unemployed, alcoholic–and a graduate of the University of Washington's political science Ph.D program. Poli-Sci Pete, who quickly became a campus celebrity following his discovery, has not been met with enthusiasm by all members of the student body.
Read MoreLike many universities across the country, The University of Washington has used prison labor to construct its dorm room furniture for years. Historically the university has faced pushback for this, with critics referring to the practice as “legalized modern-day slavery,” “a prime example of the rot at the core of late stage capitalism,” and “bad.” Despite these objections, The University of Washington has shown no signs of stopping—in fact, recently leaked internal documents suggest that the UW plans to use prison labor in a variety of new and exciting ways.
Read MoreStudents at the University of Washington were surprised when they arrived on campus this Halloween and discovered that a towering black obelisk had appeared in the Quad seemingly overnight. While the obelisk was initially suspected to be some sort of extremely elaborate Halloween installation, confusion quickly turned to fear after a group of students touched the obelisk and were transmogrified into a variety of non-human entities, such as a swarm of bats, a bipedal fish creature, and a sad-seeming raincloud.
Read MoreAs of the beginning of the 2025 school year, Robert J. Jones officially took over as University President and finally replaced Ana Marie Cauce. This change was quite anticipated, as the University of Washington has announced and advertised and manifested Jones’ acceptance of the position for over a year now. Some students were concerned that she might’ve never let go of her cushy position and obscene mini-mansion, but those concerns have been put to rest following her live-streamed eviction, where the UWPD discovered her camping in Paccar hall after a student reported hearing “off-putting sneezing.” She has since been expelled from campus for good.
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