Diaries of a Femcel: My Landlord's Tithes Are Getting Out of Hand
Here we go again.
Read MoreUW Recommends Stepping Into Giant Meat Grinder After Graduating
In response to many seniors lamenting the lack of job opportunities and steep costs of living after graduation, UW president Robert J. Jones announced earlier today that UW is offering a new, streamlined solution to students who are unsure about their future.
Read MoreUW Announces “Suzzallo Just Looks Like That Now”
Suzzallo Library has served as a famous landmark of the UW Seattle campus. Its neo-gothic design attracts Harry Potter fans and Disney adults from across the Pacific Northwest alike, creating a petri dish of millennial rot and embellishing the campus in the process.
It’s well-known that Suzzallo has been under construction for about 12 years, with visible scaffolding completely obscuring the view. However, the UW administration announced a major stylistic change this weekend that may make people think twice about visiting. Project Manager Hammy Wilde stated this past Sunday that, due to Trump Administration Budget cuts, “Suzzallo just looks like that now.” Alongside the swanky permanent look, Wilde also said he will be losing half of his staff, along with his tenure, his firstborn, and his beloved dog Coco.
Read MoreHistory Department Unveils New African History Course Taught by a White Guy
HSTAFM 420, Colonization of the African Continent in the Twenty-first Century, will be one of those courses offered this coming Autumn quarter. The course will be taught by renowned British scholar Dr. Boer Wharton, who has spent most of his life researching the effects of Dutch and British colonialism in South Africa and living in his humble abode in Orania. While this course falls under the History Department, non-history majors can also take it by signing up for its equivalent class, B A 667, Methods of Modern Colonization to Get Rich Quick.
Read MoreYour Dog Needs an Orca Card
Sound Transit recently announced that all canine transit passengers will now be required to have their own Orca card in order to ride. This announcement comes in the wake of controversy over Sound Transit’s $32 Billion deficit.
That’s where the Canine Orca cards come in.
Read MoreCyclist Gang Seizes Control of Burke-Gilman Trail
Earlier this Tuesday, the Burke-Gilman Trail was swarmed by a mob of millennial cyclists proclaiming they had seized the university segment using guerrilla military tactics and were declaring it a new nation free from pedestrians. Analysts are calling it the largest regime change seen on campus since the Silverfish Uprising of Haggett Hall, which ended only after a peace offering of a dozen sacrificial freshmen and a pinky promise from then-president Ana Marie Cauce that she would (maybe) consider divesting from Boeing to said silverfish.
Read MoreGas Leak in Haggett Leads to Formation of J.K. Rowling Club
A few weeks ago, the community of the University of Washington received the rare UW alert about a gas leak, albeit a non-threatening one, occurring at the construction site of Haggett Hall. The situation was resolved in a reasonable amount of time, and a second UW alert confirmed that no one had died or been seriously injured. Recently, this conclusion has been called into question.
Read MoreDiaries of a Femcel: Hinge is Malware
I've been a writer for Off Leash for a while now, and with half the shit I've managed to get through to the website, I'm fairly convinced the officers don't vet the articles before posting. Ever since my mom blocked me for "crying too much in her DMs," I've needed another emotional outlet. Therapy's expensive, so let's give this a shot.
Read MoreOpinion: Lime Scooters Need to be More Deadly
Like everyone else on this campus addicted to microtransactions, I really, really loved the addition of Lime scooters to Seattle. Despite my excitement, however, there’s always been something troubling me about these products. Each year that I expect my fears to be addressed in equipment upgrades, I'm continually disappointed.
Read MoreGuy in Your Quiz Section Playing Mobile Games You’ve Never Seen Before
His screen is completely foreign.
Read MoreI Downloaded Grindr to Find a Girlfriend: Here’s What I’ve Learned
Guys, let’s face it: in this day and age, it’s practically impossible to get a girlfriend. Our forefathers were able to get into a relationship just by being red-blooded, driven, masculine men, but nowadays girls need you to fit their overbearing standards, and something as innocent as alcoholism is suddenly an instantly disqualifying “ick.” Even worse, keen-eyed men have begun to realize that women of this day and age are increasingly rejecting the masculine ideal of the past for weaker, soy-guzzling insults to the male species, all because of frivolous reasons like “listening” and “taking showers.” Because of this, many men have begun to morph themselves into the only men women seem to tolerate—gay ones.
Read MorePalantir Technology Implemented into MyPlan Registrar
In an attempt to assist with student complaints regarding class and room registration, UWIT has gone ahead and added an extension of the AI-powered surveillance system, Palantir, into MyPlan. Starting next year, students will be required to upload a photo of their driver’s license with a matching birth certificate in order to continue to use MyPlan and attend UW.
Read MoreUW Mandates Students to “Give Facism a Chance”
The University of Washington has recently been under fire for not only platforming yet another far-right dipshit at an event hosted by the wounded but not dead Turning Point USA, but also sending UWPD in to arrest a counter protestor. In a bold move, the University of Washington has doubled down in response to these complaints.
Read MoreBest and Worse Places to Take a Fat Dump on Campus
We at Off Leash News have put together a comprehensive, recently updated 2026 list of the best and worst places to take a duce on campus.
Read MoreUW Enters New Military Contract to Draft Underachieving Students
The University of Washington is known for its beautiful Washington campuses, strong contributions to global research, and its robust sports programs, which has made it an especially competitive university to gain an acceptance to. Despite these advantages, there are still a number of drawbacks, the most infamous among them being the extensive list of “weed-out” courses offered to the poor, poor first-year engineering and pre-health students.
Read MoreUW’s Spring Quarter Curriculum to Include Intro to Wasian Studies
As we all know, Wasians are seeing a massive cultural uprising in recent times. There are new Wasians popping up seemingly everyday, including prominent figures such as Olympic gold medalist Alyssa Liu, Heated Rivalry breakout star Hudson Williams, and Valorant players all across the nation. With this, hoards of white men have finally shifted from their controversial asian fetishes to brand-new, progressive Wasian fetishes. This has created a brand new cultural movement sure to change society as we know it, and the University of Washington has decided to spearhead this movement by introducing a brand new major, Wasian Studies.
Read MoreFrat President Tests the Limits of Unitary Executive Theory
Unitary executive theory is a controversial constitutional viewpoint advocated for by the likes of Dick Cheney and Steve Bannon, which posits that the office of the Presidency holds total, unchecked executive power. In recent weeks, this topic has been widely discussed due to the actions of Bryan Bryanson, president of the Beta Omega Beta fraternity.
Read MoreRate of Forbidden IMA Crushes Off the Charts
As University of Washington students find themselves balls deep in the school year, the IMA has seen a steady influx of people working out to relieve stress. Whether it’s people reluctantly maintaining that New Year’s Resolution or short guys trying to bulk, the Intramural Activities Building has become more crowded than ever. Unfortunately, with the increased crowds, there has also been an exponential increase in Forbidden IMA Crushes.
Read More“These Hands Don’t Haze,” says Frat Guys Who Mostly Use Other Body Parts
Last Wednesday, a fire alarm went off at the chapter house of Alpha Sigma Sugma fraternity, prompting a police investigation into the matter. There, body cam footage shows what appears to be a textbook example of hazing. Twenty-five pledges were found lying face-down in the basement and clad only in underwear, with a variety of cheeses, sausages, and other hors d'oeuvres tastefully arranged upon their bodies.
Read MoreUW Slaughterhouse Inspires Students to Take a More "Hands-On" Approach With Their Dining Plan
The UW farm has consistently provided some much-needed fresh produce to the markets and dining locations. Recently, it has performed so well that UW administration has decided to expand its operations beyond just produce. Please welcome UW’s new expansion to the UW Farm: the UW Slaughterhouse!
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