The odds of you having ever been crazy enough to try the fruits at HFS is not high. But if you have tried the “blackberries” at places like Center Table, you may have noticed that they don’t resemble berries so much as endangered fuzzy caterpillars from the Amazon. My first thought was either HFS is the biggest scam, and they fetch their produce by dumpster diving behind a Trader Joe’s, or the moldy fruit is an intentional culinary choice. It turns out HFS is definitely not a scam and in fact cares deeply about the students, so much so that they are teaching them to embrace the natural benefits of fungus. 

The fermentation gives natural immunity, preventing disease like those kids who eat dirt and don’t wear shoes, yet never catch anything besides poison oak. The inevitable vomiting caused by habitual ingestion strengthens your core muscles from the comfort of your leaking, fly-infested communal toilet. 

This exotic UW cuisine benefits the community as well. Bouts of food poisoning lead to smaller class sizes, preventing the spread of COVID-19 and allowing for more personalized learning for those who were gifted enough to not eat an orange that resembled a fast-pitch softball complete with the neon green hue. 

HFS has suggested that fermented fruit or “dingleberries” as it is known in many other countries, is a delicacy in many parts of the world, and that HFS is trying to encourage students to enrich themselves in other cultures and traditions. We reached out to one of HFS’s top nutrition experts about these claims.

“Oh yeah, we just named off a bunch of random-ass countries when a bunch of Redditors got mad at us about the fruit,” he said. “We assumed they’d be too lazy to look it up. It’s the same reason why we sell so many bowls: Latin bowls, Thai curry bowls. Do you really think that someone who cares about sharing worldwide food traditions would serve curry with brown rice and a free soda? No! We sell them because rice and beans are the cheapest fucking things in the world to make and yet these idiots will still buy them for $10.” 

 So indulge in that forbidden fruit. And follow Off Leash for more tips on husky health and wellness, like if you’re depressed, please stop talking about it. You’re bumming everyone out.