In a fervent fever dream we here at Off Leash cannot seem to stop, we have been acquired by Q Zert Apple Zerstock Templeton the 3rd, self-proclaimed entrepreneur / guy on campus saying “the Civil War was about states’ rights”. Q Zert - after buying the deeds to each of our writers’ parents’ houses, our club president's vocal cords (which he plans to keep in a seashell until further notice), and the legal right to name my first born son - is now the largest shareholder in our paper's history.

 The buying-up-of-everything-we-hold-dear idea came to Q Zert after an event that many of UW’s partying students likely remember. Last Friday, Q Zert spent 24 hours on the lawn of his frat house screaming. Partiers reported that his tirade mainly centered around how he “needs to own us in order to protect free speech.” This was strange given that most readers of our publication say that protection of free speech is a “mistake,” and that “not all opinions need to be expressed.” The outburst was in response to us denying his offer to purchase Off Leash directly, as we 1.) thought it was a prank and 2.) didn’t even know that a not-for-profit news publication could be purchased.

After reviewing our records, we learned that Mr. Zert applied to the paper back in 2021 under his former name: Max Hastings. Q Zert renamed himself after Elon Musk's 2nd appearance on Joe Rogan because “If those pronoun freaks can do it, so can I.” Upon revisiting his application, our editor reported it was filled with some of the most heinously offensive, “human rights violation level” writing that they had ever read. This prompted us to ask Zert for clarification on his attitude towards free speech, to which he replied, “Free speech includes hate speech. Read the Constitution, you fucking [Redacted].”

Updates to follow as the story continues to develop.