“Please, for the love of god save me,” screamed political science major Connor Hoffman before having his entrails slurped by the Lovecraftian prophesied Cthulhu this past week. For those out of the loop, this month, students across campus have held protests pleading with UW administration to remove the God-like being from campus. Ana Marie Cauce issued this statement amid growing concerns from the student body:

“Dear Students and Faculty,

 It has come to my attention that our school has been overtaken by a Lovecraftian being of destruction once thought to only be fiction. I have heard numerous accounts of students being eaten, maimed and dismembered due to this monster’s presence.

I am here to say that I feel your struggle, and the UW is working hard to address your concerns. That being said, Cthulhu has been laying dormant in the Pacific Ocean for centuries and I feel it is disrespectful to ask them to leave now that the UW is their home. Cthulhu was born in a different era and should not be held to our modern standards of morality.

I am on your side.

Sincerely,

Some students continue to protest Cthulhu; however, most have begun re-attending classes as usual. “Personally, I don’t mind the omnipotent presence of an apocalyptic sea monster. It really isn’t that big of a deal” said undergraduate Carl Stevens to one of our reporters.

While Cthulhu continues to bite off the stray ear or ass cheek, UW has managed to strike a deal with the monster, who will continue stealing the souls of students who haven’t paid off their loans. In return, the ancient being has been relocated to Drumheller fountain where they may eat geese for the next several hundred millennia.