Big news for the animal labor movement recently came to UW’s campus—the Drumheller geese succeeded in their push for unionization, securing campus-wide shitting rights and $15/hr. Unfazed by questions such as “do they even do work?” and “what the actual fuck is going on?” the victorious geese held a press conference this Thursday.

The Drumheller geese are represented by the 6005th Local of the International Brotherhood of Sitting in the Fountain and Stuff. They credit their success to the 6005’s leader, Union Goose. I was lucky enough to awkwardly stand by the fountain and talk to him about what this means for the geese and the rest of us. I first asked him about one of the union’s major wins: Securing the right to not be called “little guys” by anyone associated with UW. Union Goose, speaking with his inexplicable Brooklyn accent, said he couldn’t be happier: “It’s just recognizing a basic fact. We’re not little guys. We’re big. Very big. I mean, come on. The most common thing I hear people say is: ‘Wow, those guys are so impressively large. They’re almost the size of horses. And next year I bet they’ll be twice the size of a horse. Geese are better than horses, after all.’ You’re telling me you haven’t said that exact phrase? Fuhgetaboutit.” He was right—I say that all the time. Notably, famous unions like the IBT or AFL-CIO have never achieved this right, and big working men continue to see their size disrespected by parasitic middle management. With such impressive wins behind the geese, I asked what tactics they use to win against the crushing stranglehold of capital that controls our nation.

“You gotta get in a large body of water, no question about it. Being in a union ain’t all fresh grass and safe winter migrations. But you have to do it—it keeps you safe from predators and amplifies your solidarity honks.” 

This tactic of the 6005’s is a controversial one after the tragic drowning of an entire chapter of the International Brotherhood of Dudes Being Guys, and Also Steelmaking. Union Goose defended the tactic, saying that billionaires are terrified of lakes because the weight of their sins and gigantic pockets make them incapable of swimming. I was quite impressed Union Goose knew this fact, and it further convinced me that the Drumheller geese are experts at labor organizing.

However, the biggest controversy about the Honksters, as they’re called, are their alleged ties to the vicious criminal organization MooSe-13. MooSe-13 (or MS-13) is a well-known criminal gang with a presence in nearly all US cities—you’ve likely heard all about their bloody trail of drug smuggling and murder. I for one am always surprised at how much damage these 13 moose can do. Union Goose declined to comment on MS-13, claiming that there had been a “huge media mix-up”, but he grew hostile as I asked questions, and eventually hissed at me—at which point I ran away screaming. A week later I received a wet letter from the 6005th dropped directly on my head, telling me to direct all inquiries to the president of the Honksters.

But when I tried to reach said president, the famed Jimmy Honk-fa, I got no response. A week later I learned he had disappeared under suspicious circumstances, and Martin Scorsese had already secured the rights to a 4-hour movie starring Robert de Niro. At the end of the day, that’s the lesson we all have to learn: no matter how hard you honk, capitalism ruins everything. 

Editor’s note: Off Leash is a proudly non-unionized company owned by an anonymous billionaire. This writer’s opinions in no way represent the organization. In fact, they disgust us. He has already been shot, and we’ve collected his life insurance thanks to an obscure clause in his contract.