They broke your heart, and you never want to love again. Or have sex. Isn’t it fair you do the same thing to them? Hall Health certainly thinks so. That’s why they’ve rolled out a Sex-No-More program that will ensure you can rest easy this Valentine’s Day.

“If you’re still not over your ex, our services can ensure that they won’t be getting any on, or after, Valentine’s day,” said Hall Health spokeswoman Rachall Realth, “If you humanely trap them and bring them into our offices, we can less than humanely spay or neuter them, and release them back into the wild.” 

So far, Hall Health has successfully neutered 16 men, and spayed 2 women. They report that women are harder to catch, citing “slippery vaginas” as the culprit. Men, however, are easily lured in with peanut butter and/or open cans of tuna. 

“They took my balls away,” Mick Ronney told Off Leash News, “I miss them.” 

Mick Ronney’s ex boyfriend, Ryan Paul, had him trapped-neutered-released, or TNRed, as soon as he heard about the new service.

“I don’t want to have sex anymore, which is nice,” he continued, “I can actually focus on my classes again. And Minecraft, I’ve gotten really, really good at Minecraft.” 

The amount of traps set around campus are expected to be at an all time high today, it being Valentine's Day. Hall Health workers are preparing for the increased rush in castrations by letting pre-med students take a crack at it. Infections will occur as a result of the inexperienced ball-choppers, but Realth believes they are still doing a good deed.

“It’s all for love, and really, who are we to judge how two people love each other. Some people go on dates, some people have sex, and some people trap their ex’s and castrate them. Badda-bing Badda-boom, Happy Valentine’s Day.”