On Thursday morning, UW Housing and Food Services announced its intention to introduce a new competitive system for providing utilities to on-campus housing. The proposed utility system was developed to address students’ environmental concerns on campus. Students who decide to live with HFS will be required to apply to the capacity constrained utility program. 

“There is no question that human activity has drastically changed the climate in the last few decades,” said HFS in their statement announcing the competitive utility system. “It is not enough to acknowledge that climate change is real, we must start taking real action. All utilities will be affected by this change, including but not limited to: water, electricity, WiFi, sewage, and air ventilation. The least we can promise to huskies living with us is a floor, with the usual $500 security deposit of course.”

Included in the HFS announcement was the application for utilities. The application consists of short answer essay questions with prompts concerning the climate crisis and the applicant’s desire to have luxuries such as drinking water. Examples of prompts include: “Imagine you are an English peasant in 1700s London and everyone you know is inflicted with cholera, how would you deal with that?”, “How do you sleep at night knowing that for each package you pry from Jeff Bezozs’ grubby little hands cost at least one acre of the Amazon rainforest?”, and “Invent a new utility that we could easily take away from you without warning, how would your life change without this basic necessity?” The last page of the application has the only long-answer essay question that utility hopeful dawgs are expected to complete. The essay has the simple yet thought-provoking prompt of: “Beg.”

When asked how HFS anticipated the students’ reaction to the change in how utilities were allocated a HFS spokesperson answered, “We expect some pushback at first but we know that all huskies that live with us will have to accept the situation in due time. We want every single husky to be able to not only find success but also thrive in our changing world. HFS also provided more information on the competitive utility system and how certain applications would be streamlined through the process. “Students who fork over enough to live in a single room or studio apartment will be considered direct admits to the program and will receive utilities without the need to apply like the rest of the poors.”