Housing and Food Services recently unveiled a controversial new program: personally slapping each and every student that resides on-campus or frequents the dining halls. When we approached the president of HFS, Sal Menila, they repeatedly assured us that “[their] staff will work tirelessly until every one of those smug bastards got a good slap.” 

We assured Menila that we did not doubt their employees' capability of slapping the better half of the student body, yet were still regaled with his full plan for the new promotion. He revealed that it involves the closures of every restaurant on campus and nearly all doctors being pulled from Hall Health in order to professionally ensure that each slap was “a good one.”

When we finally asked Sal why his team created this plan, he gave a hearty laugh and stared us down. “You seriously don’t know? God, you’re just as stupid as the rest of them, “ he said. “For years we’ve been trying to make sure everyone on campus knows that we don’t care about them and that we hold all the power here: decreasing portion sizes, increasing prices, making you pay for that little cup of coffee that’s been sitting out all day. No one would take the hint. We hope the student body will finally understand once and for all that we wish them nothing but misery.”

As we left the building, we found a large gathering of students picketing outside. We first believed them to be protesting the promotion, until we read their picket signs; they were in support of the promotion, requesting that their slaps come from “goth dommy mommies.”