A message to our readers,

We’re at the end of another very successful quarter here at the University of Washington. All of us here at Off Leash News want to thank our most loyal readers and offer some spring break tips before we embark on our adventures.

Some of you will get blackout drunk for the first time. Don’t panic, we’ve all been there. Find a bathroom and camp out there for the night. Whatever happens, just remember not to expose yourself to anyone you don’t know very well. Vomit is easy to clean but “sex offender” on your record is permanent.

Many of you will smoke weed. For some, it’ll be the first time. For others, it’ll be the first time that day. If you’re a beginner, take it slow, and again, don’t panic. Panic leads to paranoia, paranoia leads to you being kind of annoying to the people that have smoked many times before, and being kind of annoying to the people that have smoked many times before leads to them not wanting to hang out with you anymore because smoking weed is pretty much all they do and if you’re annoying while doing it then why would they want you around?

If you go to your hometown and party with your former highschool classmates, you might hook up with someone you used to date. If this happens, remember why you broke up and don’t get back together. You’re in the big city now, no need to get tied down by small town things. 

Chances are, one of you will get pregnant. We don’t wish it upon any of you, but if it is you, we wish you well. Get an abortion if you want, or don’t; we don’t care. Although here in Seattle you might get judged more for keeping it. So progressive!

There are so many great opportunities out there, you just have to get out and find them. You could discover a new talent, or finally do something about your subconscious attraction to feet and toes. Try having gay sex, if you like it you can keep doing it. If you don’t, well, now you know for sure. Maybe you’ll see a show and decide to drop out of college and join the traveling circus, or maybe you’ll move to Colombia and get started in the cocaine trade. So many options!

If we could give you one piece of advice this spring break, it’s this: don’t be a lazy sack of shit. You have the rest of your life to sit on your couch and do nothing, now is the time to explore. If you don’t put yourself out there, none of the wonderful things we’ve mentioned above will ever happen to you. Go explore, and try not to come back to school next quarter with a face tattoo, but if you do we’ll know you followed our advice, and we will be so proud.

Sincerely, Off Leash News