Local middle school bully Ivan Flynn has become the first person in the United States to publicly side with Russia in their invasion of Ukraine:

“He wants it, so he’s taking it. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? How else would he get what he wants?” Ivan then appeared to notice our interviewer's watch, stating, “I want that,” before punching our interviewer in the mouth, snatching the watch off their wrist, and running away.

We continued our conversation with Ivan in after-school detention, as he was stealing from the other kids and forced to stay after school. “Russia seems pretty cool. They have guns and tanks and stuff which are my second favorite thing.” When our reporter asked what Ivan’s first favorite thing was, he replied with “that watch” before kicking our reporter in the crotch, once again taking their watch, along with their car keys, and running away.

After security had chased down Ivan and duct-taped him to a chair, the principal of Ivan’s school, Jo Bliden, visited us in detention to comment on the measures that she had taken to stop Ivan from bullying. “First, I want to say that all of the other district principals and I have met, and we agree that Ivan is a very bad boy. Bad Ivan.” Ivan declined to comment on this. “Also, we’ve enacted heavy sanctions against Ivan’s ‘give-me-your-lunch-money-or-I’ll-hit-you’ business. This way he will no longer be able to afford slingshots, firecrackers, or other paraphernalia.” Ivan then proceeded to pee his pants, saying, “Sanction this, bitch,” before spitting onto principal Bliden's forehead.

While the state of the world is uncertain at the moment, one thing is for sure: bullies will always take what they want, and some of them really want women's watches.