I’m probably not going to get canceled for this because I’m a STEM major, and STEM majors are always right… except during the release of the ugliest vehicle ever (which we can all unanimously agree is the Cybertruck.) Or the whole Neuralink idea. Or when one fumbled Grimes after naming their son after a G1 Transformers sound effect. Or how Twitter’s title was changed to something you’d probably expect on 18+ sites, or one of those discord servers. You know what I’m talking about.

Basically, it’s all Elon Musk’s fault for tarnishing the good name of STEM. Econ majors, amirite?

I was well aware of my superiority over the humanities or, God forbid, art plebeians in UW the moment I stepped foot on campus. It seemed that they also knew where they belonged as well—everyone left me a six-foot radius at all times, which I fully believe was due to my radiant smothering intelligent sexy NON-virgin (!!!) STEM major aura rather than me forgetting to put on some Old Spice. 

Now before you start typing a hate comment on Reddit complaining about how Off Leash is a sellout for allowing this piece to grace their website, or how we aren’t funny anymore, allow me to make my point first while you go do a line (coke only exists cuz of STEM BTW L0S3R L0L) and flip through Crime and Punishment. I know you only have that book so you can hold it in the quad and yearn for a group of alt-punk art history she/theys and they/shes to walk by and somehow notice you. I know because I’ve tried it.

Anyways, nothing in this world would have existed without STEM. The internet? Nope. 4Chan? Hell no. Brain surgery and other life-saving medical treatments? Nada. Atomic bombs and nuclear waste? Zip. The looming terror of artificial intelligence slowly taking over what humanity and human expression is as we know it? Zero. Ford F-150s that won’t tailgate you? In your dreams, sucker.

My point is, STEM has contributed so much to human development to be disrespected by the woke SJW mob like this. What has the humanities ever done, apart from defining the human experience through art, culture, religion, philosophy, literature, music, and film, while allowing us to pursue purposes that far surpass our biological restraints and make our lives so much more vibrant than perhaps what we deserve? Pssh. Did you hear about the Apple Vision Pro? I can’t wait to play GTA 6 on it and get into a real car accident. How immersive!

I hope this was enough to convince you about the legitimacy of STEM and reaffirm its rightful place on top of the university hierarchy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take my weekly shower. No soap though—I’m saving that for after finals week.