In an effort to aid student health and well-being, the School of Environmental and Forest Sciences announced the first annual “Touching Grass” event in collaboration with the Foster School of Business. Non Refundable tickets are available online for $50 and the event will be held virtually. 

The event is advertised as "a zoom experience like no other," and “the most mentally healthy thing you could do at the University of Washington right now.” 

Josh Neubauer, a freshman pre-accounting major, said of the event, “I’ve never been outside, but if I had I think this is what it would be like.”  

When asked why SEFS would want to collaborate with Foster, also known as “selling out,” the tree outside Anderson Hall shook down a cone with a small note tucked inside. In a hotly debated decision that came down to the freedom of the press and a public right to information, the contents are included in this article. Please be warned, the note is graphic and readers may find it deeply disturbing. [REDACTED]

“Touching Grass'' came to fruition after Derek Merek, a self-proclaimed entrepreneur, grew tired of having to scroll through the pages of comments on his Reddit posts asking him to “please for the love of god go outside and touch some grass.” After reflecting on their messages, and somehow still missing the point, Derek decided to get the CS nerd they keep locked in the Paccar basement to design the program and produce a “touching grass” event for the rest of the school to enjoy.

With the additional funding sourced from the $109,500 ExxonMobil gifted to the UW in 2020, the technology will soon be expanded to give students the full outdoors experience, without all the gross bugs and stuff.

The two schools' collaboration will help move environmentalism into the future—a future with big-ass profit margins and way fewer poor people in the Global South (they keep getting in the way). 

Tickets may be found at newlawnsforthebourgeoisie.washington.edu

Hope to see you there!