The University of Washington is known for many things: groundbreaking research, a beautiful campus, a football team that exists and is pretty good sometimes, a lovable husky mascot, and a second, slightly creepier husky mascot. Not among these features is its spring break scene.

If you prefer to spend your break doing day hikes, trying out new coffee shops, or getting overstimulated by the smell of mothballs and the harsh fluorescent lights at the Goodwill Bins, then you’re in luck! If you haven’t lived in Seattle for at least 2 years, however, then your dopamine receptors probably have not yet adapted to an environment in which the thrills of life are so minimal, meaning that none of these activities will sound exciting to you. As such, many out-of-state students find themselves highly underwhelmed with Seattle’s party scene.

To get a look into an outside perspective, Off Leash News talked to Mana Thompson, a third-year transfer student from the University of Miami. Mana T. stated that she was only available to interview after 9:30pm the day that we met, which was way past my bedtime, but I braved through it. We met at Aladdin’s Gyrocery, the only restaurant still open at such an ungodly hour.

“I was at a show the other night, and they kicked us out at 8:00! I couldn’t believe it,” said Mana T. “I tried to ask people where the after party was, but they were already putting on their sleeping caps and lighting their candelabras.” 

Mana T. was similarly disappointed with Seattle’s pharmaceutical scene. 

“Don’t put this part in your article, but I tried to ask around for molly at a party the other day, and a girl gave me a couple pills. I took them and all they did was make me really tired.”

This is a common instance of miscommunication that occurs between Seattleites and non-Seattleites. Asking for “molly” in Seattle won’t actually get you molly; we don’t have that here. Instead, you will most likely be handed “melly,” which is the street name for melatonin. 

Most locals prefer to get in their jammies and be in bed by 9:00 sharp. However, if you’re an outsider like Mana T., you may be wondering where to socialize after sunset. Luckily for you, Off Leash knows all the hottest spots:

1. Aladdin’s Gyrocery

2. A guy named Ryan, Luke, or Josh’s basement

3. U-District Safeway

4. An abandoned Bartell’s 

5. Any small and uncomfortable anti-homeless bench by the water

6. My mom’s house (but she wants us in bed by 11:00)

Looking for where to get party drugs over spring break? Off Leash strongly discourages the use of any hard drugs not regulated by the local or federal government. If you do have any information about where to find them though, please let us know. So that we can report it right away, obviously.