Last week, a ground-breaking research team compared samples of George Washington (G) DNA and the entire University of Washington-Seattle Campus. Verdict says: He is the father! 

The astounding decade-long study has been collecting samples from students as they sleep since Clinton was president, but no progress had been made until they could locate the founding father’s corpse. Following his illegal unearthing, researchers ran the numbers and eventually found strong genetic connections for one hundred percent of the student population. Their efforts have proved ironclad, as no credible scientists have been able to prove fault in the study. 

Amidst this discovery, the George Washington statue on west campus has been vandalized with the phrase “zaddy” a whopping 13 times. Admins have begged for it to stop. Despite the ongoing graffiti, the study body is split. 

We received a comment from a second-year foreign exchange student from mainland China, Mu Xun, who expressed disbelief about her ancestry. “I’m just-”, she took a moment to pause and compose herself. “How did he even get there?”

Some students have come out claiming to have known all along. We located a student of the School of Business, Andrea Jackson, who alleged she had a deeper connection to the silver fox than everyone else. 

“Yeah, Georgie’s always been in my dreams, he shows me his past,” Jackson said. Now though, I don’t think I can date locals anymore. I mean, what if they also unlock ancestral memories from revolutionary times, like me? That’s basically incest. Washincest.”

While the study postulates a connection more analogous to distant cousins, which clearly wouldn’t slow down dating here, the results have altered the attitude on campus. In an attempt to mitigate damages, the Head Chair of the Department of Biology has declared a level fifteen crisis of faith. Allegedly, if all genetic lines lead back to Old George, they’ll eventually reconverge back into him. He referred to this as “one for George, the Georigin”.

Following this statement, Nicholas Cage broke into Founder’s Hall to liberate a stockpile of roughly 200 dentures of questionable origin. We did not manage to get our hands on one of them, but we did find a $5 coupon for laser hair removal. Who’s the real winner now? It’s us and our crazy smooth armpits.