The university’s health center, notorious for great advice like “go ask your other doctor” and “fix your chapped lips by licking them” has come up with yet another sensational idea to combat declining student mental health: group therapy. Hall Health previously offered one-on-one counseling sessions, but decided to abandon this model when counselors found that the students coming in for advice had “generally bad vibes” and “big loser energy” hence the need for socialization.

Over the next six weeks, the course will tackle the complex psychological issues tormenting the student body, with seminars like “You Caused Your Parents’ Divorce – And That’s OK!” and  “Why More Medication is Always the Answer”. They will even address more passé topics like dead relatives, pandemic anxiety, and “depression”.

The environment of the session has been described as somewhere between a quiz section and an AA meeting, but students can find solace in the fact that they will be welcomed by the familiar faces of people they peripherally know and never thought they would see again. 

The weekly sessions are four hours long and will be held in Kane Hall for capacity reasons after a significant portion of the student wellness check questionnaires were returned with a large frowny face drawn on the front. Due to the collaborative nature of the meetings, students are encouraged to bring parents, former significant others, fifth grade bullies, professor Stuart Reges, or really anyone instrumental in their trauma. 

So far, the program has been wildly successful. “I think it’s great,” said 18-year-old Jamie Corbin. “I really enjoy getting to hear everyone’s issues”. After further research, it appears Corbin does not actually attend UW, but just likes to gossip.

The counseling sessions can also be taken for credit, provided you prepare a thesis that successfully diagnoses a classmate of your choosing. 

In addition to encouraging socialization and co-patients-to-lovers arcs, this measure was taken as a money-saving tactic so funds could be funneled into combatting the growing UTI crisis on campus. Based on the new Ocean Spray vending machine in the waiting room, it appears to be going great. 

Hall Health understands that all students may not be comfortable attending these sessions, and encourages everyone to take care of themselves by investing in a second SAD lamp and burdening your most passive roommate with all of your problems.