It’s true: UW is indeed unveiling two new majors. After reports students were fatigued and struggling with “analyzing texts” or “doing basic fucking math,” administration decided to take action. Designed for students with rich parents and a job lined up after graduation, the Numbers and Alphabet majors will be available in the College of Arts & Sciences beginning Autumn 2023. 

Numbers will consist of the new “numbers” class sequence, ranging from “NUM 1” to “NUM 7,” which will immediately be followed by CSE 469. Should a student fail CSE 469, they will immediately face expulsion and eternal shame at family dinners. If a student passes, they’ll have the opportunity to receive a sequential master’s degree in counting in addition to their bachelor’s in numbers. Way to go, champ!

The Alphabet major will be a bit more focused, but equally as difficult. Enrollment is expected to soar for its first quarter, with ALPH 100 already filling sections A through AAAAA. When asked for thoughts, prospective class of 2027 students stated, “I’m so hyped, I’ve always wanted to learn the alphabet,” and “I want to understand what 69 means.”

As for current students, notorious “senior” Homber Snapson was overheard saying, “What the fuck, man. I got a degree in biochemistry, and I could’ve gotten one in the alphabet? You have to be shitting me. My father, 29th Vice President of the United States Calvin Coolidge, will be very upset to learn of this.”

Snapson also threatened to drop out just shy of his expected graduation date due to his outrage. Not our problem, Homber. If you wanted a degree in Numbers, you should’ve enrolled four years later. But you also probably can’t count that high because you never took NUM 1.