Recently, the Associated Students of the University of Washington, or ASUW, which is best known for sending you emails, came out with a bold new live dating show featuring students from our very own university. Unfortunately, none of our writers were able to get in. Let it be known we all applied, but none of us were selected. I received an email back only containing my headshot and the subject line “lol,” but bygones are bygones.

This event was wildly popular, drawing both scorn and suspense, the lifeblood of politicians, even fake ones.

With record numbers of people caring about the ASUW, President Jacob Something-Something announced plans to keep the ball rolling. In a livestream announcing the new project, Something-Something is quoted to have said, “The people love drama, and since we at the ASUW are the people, we love drama by extension. Because of the people. I love my job. Anyway, we're doing ‘16 and Pregnant’ next.”

The plans for this next event have seemingly been in the works for a while, as casting has immediately pulled from the pool of applicants for the dating show. Once again, Off Leash did not receive any invitations. We spoke to an anonymous third-year student about his reservations on the matter. 

In an interview with us, he said, “I signed up for it as a joke, I was kidding, but I don't think they're joking. I’m pregnant. I know, I know, trans guys can get pregnant and that’s cool and all but… I’m not trans. I have a massive dick and it's still there, I checked. I'm also pregnant now. That's kind of whatever though. At least I still have my schlong. The thing I'm worried about is… what if I become sixteen? That scares me.”

David later contacted us, expressing fear that he found himself listening to My Chemical Romance and Panic at the Disco. It went too far when he found himself putting up a poster of Dan and Phil and was driven to contact us again for a follow-up interview.

“I've been watching the video of the fucking pop-tart Nyan cat for the past ten hours. I got a mustache tattooed on my finger. Look at it !!!”

He raised his finger to his top lip, imitating a mustache. It was sick.

“I can't keep doing this. I’m scared for the sake of my baby. I keep trying to name him Naruto. Naruto Middle-ame Owl City. ASUW needs to pay for what it's done to me.”

We at Off Leash News agree. Nothing is more diabolical than turning someone sixteen. As penance, we will be making reporterJacob Dindler pregnant. LOL! No but seriously.