A report released yesterday by UW Police has announced that an incident at the Odegaard Undergraduate Gloryhole has injured a student and created a rift in space and time that has replaced what used to be a staple of hookup culture on campus with a cosmic disturbance that may pose a threat to student safety. According to the report, the hole is stable in size, but there is a sexual groaning noise emanating at a constant pitch and tone from the void, presumably from the injured student.

“Do I know the injured student?” asked UW Junior Kara Neince, who was named in the report. “Of course I don’t know him. All I know is that I decided to go to the gloryhole after a particularly stressful exam, just to blow off some steam, and the guy on the other side was pounding the gloryhole so hard that it just collapsed! I saw a glimpse of him for just a second as he was sucked in dick-first. He seemed like he was at peace.” According to the report, all attempts to rescue the student thus far have failed. 

In addition to endangering horny students, the void has also drastically altered daily administrative functions on campus. The University of Washington has already spent hundreds of thousands of dollars dumping concrete into the void to seal it, and hundreds of thousands more attempting to replace the theoretical physicists that have all quit their jobs in a panic.

While the University of Washington has advised staying away from the void and is considering canceling classes for student safety, we here at Off Leash News have paid the void a visit and all agree that it is probably more safe now than it was before.