New data from the University of Washington this week suggests that the smoke currently enveloping Seattle is actually not related to the climate crisis at all. Instead, the data suggests, the decrease in air quality is because Roy Mullivan decided to quit smoking. 

When questioned about his motives to commit such a heinous act, Roy said, “I realized I was destroying my body and trying to look ‘cool’ because I hate capitalism and I’m sad about climate change. I also hate myself. Then I realized that smoking actually just puts money into the pockets of the people who fuel the climate crisis and the capitalist hell we live in, and that they want me to hate myself so they can profit off me, so I decided to quit.”

The Earth, strongly pro-capitalist and quaking in fear, took a stance against Roy’s insolence and filled the city’s air with smoke. The defense mechanism occurred due to Roy’s burgeoning self awareness sending shivers down the Earth’s spine. What would the Earth do without fossil fuels…? Get cold? Who is going to knit a sweater large enough for the Earth to keep warm? No one. We can never stop burning them, the Earth would get way too chilly. 

The Earth, when asked to comment, said “Roy is a dumbo.”*

Roy, despite the clear indications that his decision was deleterious to the health and happiness of humankind, continued in his quest to “never again flip a lucky in a pack of light blue American Spirits”. He wrote in to the magazine to make it clear he “believes in 'climate justice'” and “sees a world where we all recognize this issue is far larger than us and we owe it to each other to act.” Roy believes that “political resistance, protest, and direct action are some of the most productive and immediate ways to affect change in this world” and that “sitting around and crying about how hard your life is and how scared you are of the future isn't actually going to make the future any better.”

Off Leash polled students outside the Hub and learned that 90% of students over 5 years old think that Roy is “not fun” and “uncool.” When asked to rate him on a scale of 1 to dumbo, 99.9% described him as “dumbo.” 

The 00.1% asked if himbo was an option. When we told them it was, they said “hmmm….” and then rated him as a 1. 

Popular opinion suggests: Roy is a dumbo. 

Roy (the dumbo) does not seem to realize that pessimistic apathy is the only correct way to live. 

We as a company would like to inform readers we will no longer be covering climate change related topics. We believe there is no point in publicizing such a hopeless issue, and will instead turn to creating pornographic comics of ghosts we meet in the Denny Hall restroom. We will also no longer be interviewing people who care about things, and instead focusing our efforts on getting more 15-year-olds addicted to nicotine so our writers feel less alone. Please read us again next week for a tutorial on how to turn your Flume into a vibrator (for under $50 dollars). 

*The Earth can't speak so we asked a guy who owns an Oil Well to be a representative. Oil drills go into the Earth and he owns one so that's basically the same thing as speaking with the Earth. We asked the legal team for our new sponsor, Shell, and they said this was okay.