Chick-Fil-A Executives Celebrate Successful Distraction From Pride Month

JN

His brow sweating with the persistence of a leaking deep fryer, Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan T. Cathy stood before a group of his fast food empire’s top executives. Gripping the board room table, knuckles whiter than the meat served to customers, his face contorted into the ecstasy of a youth pastor finally losing his virginity. “WE FUCKING DID IT,” he cried. Ripping off his button-down to reveal a Black Lives Matter t-shirt, Cathy and the entire board room began dancing with the skills of decapitated poultry to ear-splitting Christian rock music. 

Chick-Fil-A has been a company long acquainted with controversy involving the LGBTQ community. However, the company soared in profits this past June due to the American public’s utter distraction with national BLM protests. The organization says that it stands with the black community and sides with defunding the police. A keg-standing Cathy perhaps put it best: “Sure, yeah, Black Lives Matter and such.” 

Reporters questioned Cathy on this sentiment, flabbergasted that a Southern Baptist would hold such liberal viewpoint. 

In response, Cathy explained that “We here at Chick-Fil-A have always supported protest and progress. Just take a look at our 'EAT MOR CHIKIN’ campaign. In fact, just to show our support, we have changed the slogan to ‘EAT MOR WHITE MEAT.’ ”

Upon being asked whether this slogan implied corporate support of a Charles Manson-esque cannibalistic race war scenario, Cathy was shocked. “No...no? NO. Of course not. I’m just saying that I will do anything to support a movement that I truly believe in, and just so happen to maybe be profiting off of.” 

If this sounds a bit out of character for a company known for donating to anti-LGBTQ groups, note that Chick-Fil-A has doubled down on the lack of media attention and is now running their business along the moral code of the Southern Baptist Church. 

“We will have a local priest come through every store and bless the deep fryer. Every nugget SHALL BE BAPTIZED,” announced Cathy. “Also, our Kids’ Menu is now Veggie Tales-themed.”

In fact, this past weekend, Chick-Fil-A announced a new logo, which has fallen to major criticism. 

The logo has come under fire from non-Christian AND Christian groups alike, the latter believing that the slogan asks readers to praise the institution of Chick-Fil-A.

However, Chick-Fil-A continues to pursue their prerogative and has decided to make the following changes to their business: 

1. Implementing the “ACAB: All Chickens Are Breakfast” Menu

2. Introducing the Pontius Poultry Combo Meal

3. Ruling that children are no longer allowed to be baptized in the Chick-Fil-A Holy Deep Fryer™

Although some of these decisions were extremely controversial, Cathy continues to press forward. “Did we plan this? No. Will we try and make it happen again next year? Now that’s something between me and Jesus, our Lord and Savior Chick-Fil-A.”