No Admission? No Problem! UWPD Introduces New 3 Week Training Program for UW Rejects

J.C.

Are you a diehard husky fan who is still waiting to hear from the waitlist? Have you already been rejected from the rowing team and talked to your dad’s old frat brother who is on the admissions board? Well, you heard it from us first: 2020 might just be your year after all. Yesterday, President Ana Mari Cauce officially announced UW’s newest partnership—the UWPD Advanced Standing Selective Workforce Assignment Degree, commonly known as ASSWAD. This 21 day boot camp will give you and the other cadets everything you need to be a UWPD officer. Soon you’ll be on your  way to making sure our community stays exactly how it is. Already gaining immense popularity, ASSWAD has received 650 applications following its feature on the UW Interfraternity Council’s Instagram story last night.

Before you fall off your leather recliner, know that ASSWAD is extremely competitive. UWPD Chief John Vinson discussed the rigorous requirements in yesterday’s press conference, explaining that “you have to have applied to UW and not gotten in. Also, pretty sure you need to have taken Algebra 1, right?”

It’s not just the competitive admissions that make it so coveted, but also the rigor of the program itself. Located at the Suncadia Spa and Resort in Cle Elum, Washington, each cadet must undergo 3 weeks of intensive training to become a police officer. With 1 hour of conditioning each day and a mandatory nightly screening of CSI Miami, cadets are taught about the extensive skill and experience it takes to be a UWPD officer. When asked to comment on the vast requirements of the program, Chief Vinson responded, “You have to be hard to handle this shit. You know, I’ve been an officer for 24 years, and I’ve seen literally every episode of CSI Miami ever. I just wanna make sure these kids get all the education they need so I can give them a gun and get them out there, ya know?” 

If you are intimidated by the overwhelming challenge of ASSWAD, remember the amazing opportunity at hand. This is a one of a kind, unique certification program that allows you to not only be an armed officer by the end of week 3, but graduate with a BA in Criminal Justice from the University of Washington-Seattle. Chief Vinson, elaborating on how he was able to achieve such an amazing milestone for his future officers, noted that “ Ana—I mean, President Cauce—understands and respects all the hard work that goes into being on the UW Police Force. No amount of stupid old Sociology classes could get you ready to defend the streets like I can. See you in Cle Elum on September 30th, and on the streets October 20th, cadets.”