Dumbfuck Assholes Condemn Actions of Dumbfuck Political Assholes
L.E.
The identity of America was forever changed this week when a group of Trump ralliers turned violent mob stormed the capitol building, temporarily halting Congress from ratifying Mr.Biden’s election victory. This event was the culmination of a major rift that has been growing over the last 4 years throughout the nation’s largest demographic, Dumbfuck Assholes. It is no longer possible to ignore the new and dangerous subcategory within the demographic, who are officially known as Dumbfuck Political Assholes. Over the last 24 hours, the nation’s most prestigious Dumbfuck Assholes have spoken out, largely condemning the actions of this rogue political subgroup.
Lauretta Westly is known as the first internet creator to pour gallon containers of milk on herself at various grocery outlets, and is a proud Dumbfuck Asshole supremacist. On the latest episode of her podcast, ‘Truck Nutz Talk’, Mrs. Westly questioned how the origin of the new demographic began. “Since when the hell did we start caring about politics? We’re supposed to only care about ourselves! Only time I’ve ever visited a government building was to get my ATV license at the DMV. Though, technically speakin’, I also visited a state hospital a few hours later after I crashed my ATV. But I was unconscious so that don’t count.”
Daryl Darylson (a.k.a. ‘The Denny’s Dumper’) felt that the mob’s energy was misplaced. “What’re y’all protestin’ about? Ain’t nothin’ wrong! Still America ain’t it? Right now, I can walk into any Denny’s I want, sit down at a booth, and just shit myself. Why? ‘Cause I want to! Will I tip? Fuck no! I won’t even pay! Dine and dash baby, nobody wants to tackle a man with shit in his pants!” Mr. Darylson then proceeded to shit himself on the spot and began yelling at a nearby stop sign.
Tyrell ‘Pigeon Master’ Johnson was concerned about the new demographic’s next moves. “Y’all have political views now? Shit is ridiculous! What’s next, are we going to start listening to gay people music? That shit might make you gay!” Though according to reports that is exactly what this new demographic intends to do, as multiple sources claim the walkout music to Trump’s rally on Wednesday was “Candle in the Wind” by Elton John (very gay).
Pickle Joe, who notably holds the world record for ‘most racial slurs spoken in 60 seconds’, offered a message of unity to the group. “We can’t let this divide us. Don’t focus on our differences, focus on our similarities. Focus on what brings us together: hating minorities and the gays. Also the Jews.”
All citizens in the state of Florida, the nation’s capitol of Dumbfuck Assholes, were unavailable for comment at this time. They were busy eating things they shouldn’t be eating.