Breaking: Unrest and Chaos on Greek Row for no Fucking Reason

J.D.

This past Saturday, all hell broke loose on Greek row sans any reason at all. Street signs were stolen, fire alarms were pulled, scooters were trashed, and pedestrians were hazed in the “highly contentious” background of week 8. When asked about the current state of affairs on Greek row, local frat boy Chad Fratington panicked and hurled his iPhone 12 across the street shouting “AAhh! I dunno! I dunno! I dunno!” 

“Greek row do be kinda sus sometimes,” said police chief DoGooder, while casually sending out UW alerts from his blackberry as dumpster fires raged around us in the sketchy alley we chose for our interview. “I don’t know why that is though; I just like filling up the drunk tank.” He said, just before yelling “Yeehaw!” and deploying his taser wild-west style on a frat boy sprinting down the street with a 30-rack over his head. 

In our search to find out what might be going on in the hearts and minds of those crazy loons on Greek Row, we spoke to a local UW Poli-Sci professor and Settlers of Catan master who simply goes by, ‘The Governor.’ “These recent events could be interpreted as socio-political unrest expressed through anarchism,” said The Governor. “Either that or these little bitches don’t know how to hold their liquor!” he said, taking a nip from his leather-bound steel flask, “and if you ask me, it’s probably the second one AHAHA *cough* *cough*.” 

While we may not know what is happening on Greek row or why, we do know that our lead reporter has a concussion and that we might have to take a break from news for awhile.