After coming up short in the National Championship game to Michigan, many students have been wondering if they should kill themselves. Michael Penix might. Following the game last night, Michael Penix posted on Twitter that “the league was not gonna come knocking” and that he needed to “get his shit together.” As a thank you for the incredible season he gave us, I reached out to Penix via direct message and offered to tutor him for the remainder of his 6th year in college. After spending the past week with him, here’s what I learned.

1. He really hates being called Michael Penis.

It’s true. Maybe it was my fault for introducing myself as “The peen man’s number one fan,” but Penix is actually super insecure about the nickname. “My penis fell off during the Utah game during a super vicious sack. So the guys call me Michael Penisless Jr. in the locker room. It’s a really sore subject and I wish you guys wouldn’t bring it up.” As Michael’s new number one best friend, I urge this campus to stop posting the Michael Penis memes. 

2. He’s surprisingly good at fractions. 

“I just imagine that the numerator is the football and the denominator is the score. Cause whatever happens with the football tends to impact the score of the game. And whatever you do to the numerator you have to do to the denominator.” Interestingly enough, every time Michael works with fractions he suits up in his gear. “The helmet gets in the way sometimes but I like how it feels on my ears.” 

3. He thinks boys can cry too. 

No one is unfamiliar with the now infamous clip of Penix crying after the Oregon State game. As Michael and I studied this week, I learned that he’s actually incredibly emotional, and not afraid to show it. On my way back from a rather large log chopping session in the bathroom, I stopped to grab Michael and myself a couple of hot chocolates from the coffee machine. Before I could even hand it to him, he motioned for me to follow him towards the Zoom pods.’

Together we squeezed into the pod for what he referred to as “gentlemanly intimacy.” “I prefer a private place to share my tears with other men,” he said with his eyes as wide open as Rome Odunze. “We do this after every game and practice in the locker room. Now show me your tears, diva.” (Diva is of course what Michael has been affectionately referring to me as during our week together). 

4. His real dream is to be mid-level management.

Stop laughing. It’s true. Michael confided in me that the pressure of being a national sports figure really gets to him, and he’d much rather prefer to work a light desk job with casual Fridays where he sends out emails with funny subject lines. “Maybe something like ‘SOS! I forgot my morning coffee’ or ‘I really think I would rock casual fridays,’” he said. “Just a nice simple life with no injuries and no audibles.”

5. Sometimes he poops himself on the field and plays the game through

During cold games having a steamy loaf in his leggings helps him push through. “One my s*** fell onto the field and I picked it up thinking it was the ball,” he laughed. “It was just so big and shaped perfectly like a football. I guess I ate something weird to give it the laces. I actually passed it a ref before we realized, but the old boy walked it off. The football team actually auctioned it off to a lucky fan to pay for a new set of uniforms. I bet when I was born my mom just knew I was destined for greatness, especially in the form of taking a $20,000 dook in my big boy undies.” 

It was reassuring and extremely pleasant to get to know the man that we’ve all come to love and admire. No matter how funny his name might be, and how painful losing in the championship is, none of us will ever forget Michael Penix and his jaw-dropping, nerve-inducing, cum-producing deep ball and the season he gave us. We love you Penix.