Breaking: UW Administration Announces New Graduation Requirements

J.D.

Note to Reader: In this and all future administrative emails, the term “Seriously Heavy Issues and Tragic Events” (or SHITE for short) will be used when discussing globally impactful, universally painful incidents or situations that adversely affect everyday life.

Dear Students,

It has been a while since many of you have set foot on campus, but rest assured, we are working hard to make your re-introduction to the university community as seamless as possible. That being said, we are also rather “excited” (in a tough-love sort of way) to announce a new set of graduation requirements. These requirements, which shall train you for the SHITE you may encounter on a daily basis, are designed to “build character,” “put you through the ringer,” and “inflict pain in new and unpredictable ways.” We understand that this may come as a shock to many, but please keep in mind that we only want what’s best for you.

The first requirement is that all students must have their asses thoroughly kicked by faculty at least 3 times before they graduate (there will be no exception to this rule for rising seniors). The ass kickings will happen randomly and without warning. Faculty are encouraged to use their surroundings to fully humiliate the student so as to inflict maximum “learning.” Additionally, in order for the learning session to count towards graduation requirements, students must remember to thank the faculty member that organized the session. Grades will primarily be based on post-whoopass humility. 

While we may be a large, public university that has been forced to operate like a small liberal arts college, it is our duty to provide you with the most immersive and educational experience possible. As such, the second requirement is that 25 credits of SHITE preparation classes will be required for graduation. These stern but sympathetically founded inflictions of suffering are now available on the course catalogue, and include selections such as, “OUCH 124: Glass-Snorting Seminar,” “OUCH 134: Billy-Clubs and Their Use in Acupuncture,” and “OUCH 144: The Wheel Shall Decide Your Fate.”

In addition to academic requirements, there shall be additional conduct and safety requirements implemented so as to mitigate the effects of current SHITE. Your professors will further specify these conduct rules in class, but the most important rule is that all students must now wear masks at all times. To enforce this new policy, UWPD officers will carry slingshots that will launch thin, malleable, and breathable “mask material” onto the faces of those that do not abide by the mandate. Just picture Spiderman shooting someone’s bare face with a web that covers their nose and mouth and you’ll have a rough idea of what we’re going for here. UWPD will also  carry thermometers for random health checks that will be administered “carefully” and rectally. Anyone that clenches will be booked for resisting.  

Hang in there, Huskies.

Sincerely,

UW Admin